Little Shop of Mutants
by todd fan
Summary: COMPLETE - Final 2 acts up of this parody of Little Shop of Horrors!
1. The most inocent and unlikey of places

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"Are you always this stupid or do you do this just to annoy me".

-

Another parody being redone! This is a parody of 'Little Shop of Horrors', no, not the very first movie that was made in 2 days, nor the stage show, but the 1986 musical movie! If you haven't seen it, then you SHOULD!.

-

ACT 1 - The most inocent and unlikey of places

-

We open out into space, where words appear on the screen, star-wars-esque, as Xavier's voice can be heard reading them

"On the twenty-third day of the month of September. In an early year of a decade not too long before our own, the human...and mutant race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence. And this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do, in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places".

Xavier gives a chuckle.

"That sounded good".

The space scene suddenly becomes a puddle, in which a bottle is dropped. We pan out to see in a dark and dirty part of Bayville, right outside a flower shop. We start to hear voices singing

**Little shop, little shoppa mutants**

**  
Little shop, little shoppa terror**

**  
Call a cop. Little shoppa mutants**

**  
No, oh, oh, no-oh!**

Little shop, little shoppa mutants

**  
Bop sh'bop, little shoppa terror**

**  
Watch 'em drop! Little shoppa mutants**

**  
No, oh, oh, no-oh!**

Out of an alley beside the shop come Wanda, Tabby and Rogue, dressed very much how you would expect a 60's female band to dress, they sing as they walk to the front outside of the show.

**Shing-a-ling, what a creepy thing **

**  
To be happening!**

**Look out!**, sings Wanda

**Look out!**, sings Tabby

**Look out!**, sings Rogue.

They begin to sing in unison as they dance in the street.

**Look out!**

**Shang-a-lang, feel the sturm **

**  
And drang in the air.**

There is a bolt of lightning and suddenly the girls are now on a balcony overlooking the shop

**Sha-la-la, stop right where you are**

**  
Don't you move a thing**

**You better, tellin' you, you better**

**  
Tell your mama somethin's gonna get her**

**  
She better, ev'rybody better**

**  
Beware!**

As the rain starts to pour, the girls point down and we pan down the street to the shop again, where the girls have magically re-appeared on the street, and are walking in single file

**Oh, here it comes, baby**

**Tell no bums, baby**

**Oh, no, no**

They stop and turn around walking backwards across the street towards the shop

**Oh, hit the dirt, baby**

**Hit the dirt, baby**

**Oh, oh, oh, Oh, oh-oh, oh.**

**Alley Oop, haul it off the stoop**

**Child, I'm warnin' you**

**  
Look out, look out, look out, look out**

**Run away**

**Child, you gotta pay if you play**

**Yeah, yeah, yeah**

We cut to the interioor of the shop, where Todd is reading a paper, the headline being about an unextpected total eclipse of the sun. Wanda, Tabby and Rogue appear behind him, but it is almost as if they don't exist, as he doesn't see nor hear them

**Look around**

**Somethin's comin' down, down the street for you**

**  
You betcha**

**You betcha, you bet your butt you betcha**

**  
Best believe it, somethin's come ta getcha**

**  
You betcha, you better watch your back and your tail**

They go further into the shop, and start to walk down to the basement

**Comma comma comma**

**  
Little shop, little shoppa mutants**

**  
Bop sh-bop, you'll never stop the terror**

**  
Little shop, little shoppa mutants**

**  
No, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no, oh, oh, no!**

They all stop and point over to where Kurt is ballanced on some boxes, putting things on shelves, he doesn't seem to notice them either.Suddenly, the shelf collapses, bringing Kurt and everything else with it to the floor

"Kurt, what's goin' on down there", shouts Todd from upstairs

"Very little, Mr Tolensky", says Kurt, picking himself up, then groans"...man, you are going to enjoy this vay too much".

Kurt dusts himself off and begins to clear up the mess. He turns on the radio as he does so for a new bulletin, voiced by Lance

"...'Till the weekend. And at a press conference today, President Kennedy fielded questions concerning last Thursdays total eclipse of the sun", says Lance"An unpresedented astrological phenomenon which has baffled the nation".

Kurt sighs, turning off the radio. Acorss the street, Amanda steps out of her home, dressed rather...bizarely and sporting a black eye. She crosses the street, stepping over a few drunks on the way and enters the shop

"Ahhh, so she finallly decides to come to work", says Todd

Amanda walks behind the counter happily oblivious to anything Todd has said

"Good morning Mr Tolensky", she says.

"What mornin'? It's almost closin' time", snaps Todd"Not that we had a customer".

Amanda goes into a back room and hangs up her coat and looks at her face in a compact mirror, there is another ominous crash from downstairs

"Kurt, what in the name of God is goin' on down there", he shouts at the floor"Amanda, will ya go down an' see what he's...".

Todd pauses, seeing Amanda's black eye

"Amanda..where'd ya get that shiner", he says, pointing at it.

Amanda gasps, busted. She plays it off by pretending nothing is wrong

"Shiner", she asks inocently.

"Amanda, that greasy boyfriend'a yours is beatin' up on you again", he asks"Look, I know it 'aint none of my buisness, but I'm beginin' ta think he's maybe not such a nice boy".

Kurt starts to come into the shop from upstairs, carrying a box of plant pots

"I got these pots unloaded for you Mr...", Kurt says, before yelping, tripping up and breaking all the pots.

"Kurt, look what ya've done to the inventory", snpas Todd, then grinned"oh, Lordy, the sweet power"

Amanda drops down to the floor to help Kurt

"Don't yell at Kurt, Mr Tolensky", she says.

"Hi Amanda. You look radiant today", smiles Kurt"Ees that new eye makeup".

Amanda blinks before standing up and sighing

"I'll help him clean it up before any of the customers get here", she says.

"That should give ya plenty'a time. Oh God, what an existance I got", sobs Todd"Misfit employees, bums on the sidewalk, buisness is lousy. My life is a living Hell".

"Aren't ve a little ray of sunshine", mutters Kurt

He notices Wanda, Tabby and Rogue, now in street clothes, leaning on the front of his shop window

"Hey, you urchins", shouts Todd, banging on the glass to get their attention"Shoo shoo shoo. Move, move, go away".

They roll their eyes and start to trudge off, but Todd steps out of the shop to yell at them some more

"No loitering", he shouts, then winces"sorry, poopsie"

"Man, I wasn't loitering", says Tabby"Were you, Wanda".

"Not me, Tabby", says Wanda"Were you, Rogue".

"You outta be in school", growls Todd.

"Yeah, well we're on a split shift", says Rogue

"That's right", smirks Tabby"We went to school until fifth grade, then we split".

"So", asks Todd"How do ya intend ta better yaselves".

"Better oursleves? You heard what he said?. Better ourselves", says Wanda, then snorts"Mister, when you're from Skid Row, ain't no such thing".

With that, the three walk off

"And cut", grins Warren, flying in, wearing a directors cap.

"A'h have issues with the costumes a'h have ta wear, though appearin' in different places in a blink of an eye, without people seeing us is cool", muses Rogue

"Forge made the gadget that does it", says Warren, then pauses"...it also changes the costumes".

"That...explains alot", blinks Wanda

-

Weee, act one done! Do review. Until next time...


	2. Downtown Bayville

Little shop of mutants

By Todd Fan

Dislcaimer"Music to drown by. Now I know I'm in first class".

-

ACT 2 - Downtown Bayville

-

We are still on Skid Row, Bayville. As Wanda, Tabby and Rogue walk off, we see Storm walk though an alley, wearing old clothing and looking very depressed.

"Great, I'm a loser", she snaps"Godesses are not losers"

**Alarm goes off at seven and you start uptown**

**  
You put in your eight hours for the powers that have always been**

"Sing it, child", says Wanda, then grimaces at her own outfit"..I hate pink".

We see Wanda, as will Tabby and Rogue, is now dressed in pink dresses with purple gloves and lot of pearls

"Who are you calling 'child?'", snaps Storm.

**Till it's five P.M.**

She walks past Nick Fury, who is sitting on the street

"Reduced to a street bum...great", he mutters.

**Then you go**

As Storm carries on walking, Tabby, Wanda and Rogue follow her, all of them singing.

**Downtown where the folks are broke**

**  
You go down downtown where your life's a joke**

**  
You go downtown, where you buy your toke 'n' you go **

Storm pauses outside a decrepid house before entering it, singing sadly.

**Home to skid row**

**Home to skid row**, echo the three

Cap America is on the street in a similar state to Nick

**Yes, you go**, he sings as he clutches an empty bottle of whiskey

**Downtown**, sing the three

We see Roberto trying to hail a cab, only to have it pass him right by

"Why am I here?...I'm rich", he complains.

**Where the cabs don't stop.**

**Downtown**, sing the three

We see Freddy tossing out some gruel onto the street

"She's making me waste food", he sobs.

**Where the food is slop**

**Downtown**, sing the three

We watch the unfortunate residents of Downtown Bayville trudge along on their daily grind as they sing.

**Where the hopheads flop in the snow**

**Down on skid row**

The three head off to where the residents of Skid Row are walking around in a solem manner, despite this, the three still have the energy to sing.

**Uptown you cater to a million jerks**

**  
Uptown you're messengers and mailroom clerks**

**  
Eating all your lunches at the hot dog carts**

**  
The bosses take your money and they break your hearts**

"Sounds like a normal day at the office for me", sighs Kelly as the girls continue to sing.

**  
And uptown you cater to a million whores**

**  
You disinfect terrazzo on their bathroom floors**

**  
The job's are really menial. You'll make no bread**

**And then at five o'clock you'll head**

**By subway**, sings Jamie, from where he's lying in the gutter"cool, I always wanted to be a wino"

We see Amanda putting some trash in the trash can

**Downtown where the guys are drips**

**Downtown**, sing the residents

**Where they rip your slips**, sings Amanda

**Downtown**, sing the residents

Amanda gives a sad sigh, leaning on the wall.

**Where relationships are no go**

**Down on skid row**

The residents, sick of being abused, start stomping their feet.

"Stomp it, dudes", shouts David"on to freedom"

The residents sing in a fed-up manner.

**Down on skid row**

**Down on skid row**

**Down on skid row**

**Down on skid row**

**Down on skid row**

We go to where Kurt is sweeping up inside the shop, while Todd watches

"Sweep, sweep, my little slave", laughs Todd happily

"I hate you", grumbles Kurt as he sings.

**Poor, all my life I've always been poor**

**  
I keep asking God vhat I'm for**

**  
And he tells me "Gee, I'm not sure**

**  
Sweep that floor, kid."**

**  
Oh, I started life as an orphan, a child of the street here on Skid Row**

**  
He took me in, gave me shelter, a bed, crust of bread and a job**

**  
Treats me like dirt. **

**Calls me a slob, vhich I am**

"Damn right", says Todd with a nod.

Kurt sighs, walking out of the shop sadly.

"Hey, the floor 'aint clean yet", shouts Todd.

Kurt ignores him, the music hitting a lower beat as he walks.

**So I live **

**Downtown**, sing the residents

Kurt sighs

**That's your home address**

**You live**

**Downtown**, sing the residents

Kurt pauses from where he's walking along the street.

**Vhen your life's a mess.**

**You live**

**Downtown**, sing the residents.

Kurt hangs his head sadly.

"Give an elf a hug", he whimpers.

**Vhere depressions' jes' status quo**

**Down on skid row**, sing the residents

Kurt sighs and walks down a dark alley

"Spookie place, here", he says nevrously.

**Someone show me a vay to get outa here**

**  
'Cause I constantly pray I'll get outa here**

**  
Please, von't somebody say I'll get outa here**

**  
Someone gimme my shot or I'll rot here**

He leans on a fenced area, and soon backs off as Morlocks start to climb up it

"Arrhhhhhhhh", he screams, backing off as the Morlocks sing.

_**Downtown There's no rules for us**_

**Show me how and I vill**, **I'll get outa here**, sings Kurt.

_**Downtown, 'cause it's dangerous**_

**I'll start climbin' uphill And get outa here**,

_**Downtown where the rainbow's just a no show**_

"Run avay", shouts Kurt, doing so.

**Someone tell me I still could get outa here**

**  
Someone tell lady luck **

**That I'm stuck here!**

**When you live**, sing the Morlocks.

Kurt and Amanda keep singing, though in seperate parts of Downtown Bayville, the music picks up beat again

**_Downtown_**, sing the residents

**Gee, it sure would be swell to get outa here**, sing Kurt and Amanda

_**Where the sun don't shine**_

**Bid the gutter farewell and get outa here**

_**Downtown past the bottom line**_

**I'd move heaven and hell to get outa skid**

**_Downtown. Go ask any wino. He'll know._**

**I'd do I dunno what to get outa skid**

**_Downtown._**

**But a hell of a lot to get outa skid**

_**Downtown.**_

**People tell me there's not a way outa skid**

Amanda and Kurt end up on the same piece of sidewalk, only seperated by a corner.

"My thorat is sore from all this loud singing", complains Cap.

"Oh, shut up", says Warren.

**_Skid row_**, sing the residents

**But believe me, I've gotta get outa skid row**, sing Amanda and Kurt in the big finnsh.

"Well done, people", grins Warren

"Vhat is UP vith my character", asks Kurt"Vhy's he so depressed, man".

"And why doesn't my girl open a can of whoop-ass on her scummy boyfriend", snaps Amanda.

"And why do YOU keep asking questions", snaps Warren"silence, monkeys, silence"

-

Oy, that's one of the best songs in the musical. But it's also the hardest to put down in writing. Do review. Until next time...


	3. Enter Amanda II

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"Oh, no. In Beverly Hills we just take whichever car is closest".

-

Magcat - It's pretty tough finding transcripts for movies. In fact, the only parodies in which I used transcripts were 'All Greek to Me' and 'Kitty and the Rocktumbler'. The rest I wrote myself. In the cases of 'Mutants in Tights' and 'Mutants Make Good Cowboys', I had to just listen very carefully and pause every few seconds while I typed. Luckily for this parody and all the others, I have the DVD. I simply put it onto subtitles and each time a new subtitle pops up, press pause and type it up. Hope that helps.

-

ACT 3 - Enter Amanda II

-

Back in the flower shop, we see Todd, Kurt and Amanda going through the day, doing absoultely nothing

"Boooorrred", groans Kurt

"Six'a clock and we 'aint sold as much as a fern", Todd suddenly snaps"Alright, that's it! Forget it! Don't bother comin' in tomorrow".

Kurt and Amanda blink

"You don't mean...", starts Amanda

"You can't be...", says Kurt.

"I mean, I'm through", snaps Todd"kaput".

"Kaput", snickers Kurt.

"Shut up", snaps Warren backstage.

"You can't", protests Amanda.

"Kaput. Extinct", sobs Todd"I'm closing this God-and-customer-foresaken place".

"There's that 'Kaput' vord again", muses Kurt"... Mr Tolensky, forgive me for saying so, but has it ever occured to you that maybe vhat ze firm needs is to move in a new direction".

Todd gives Kurt a flat look

"There's another direction appart from rock bottom", he asks with a snort.

"What Kurt is trying to say is", Amanda pauses"...Kurt why don't you run downstairs and bring up that strange and interesting new plant you've been working on".

"A plant", Todd says, rolling his eyes"...oh goodie".

Kurt bamfs away

"You see, Mr Tolensky, some of those exotic plants Kurt's been tinkering around with are really unusual", says Amanda"And we thought that maybe some of those strange and interesting new plants prominently displayed and advertised would attract buisness".

"You ever consider a carrer in advertising, or perhaps on'a those girls who shows off the prizes on the gameshows", asks Todd with a smirk.

Kurt bamfs back in, carrying a tiny little plant, which is, by all accounts an oversized venus fly trap, but a damn cute one!

"I'm afriad eet isn't feeling very vell today", he says.

"There now isn't that bizare", asks Amanda.

"You're asking that to a guy with a prehensile tounge who's looking at a guy with blue fuz and a tail, nothin's 'bizare' anymore", says Todd, then blinks at the plant"At least".

The plant keeps looking still and cute, though it looks like it wants to sock Amanda and Todd in the teeth for those comments

"What kind'a a weirdo plant is that Kurt", he asks.

"I don't know. I think eets some kind of flytrap, but I haven't been able to identify eet in any of my books. I gave it my own name though", Kurt gives Amanda a smile "...Amanda II".

Amanda blinks

"Some boyfriends name a star after you...but noooo not mine", she mutters, then smiles in the stupid way her characters does"After me".

"I hope you don't mind", says Kurt shyly.

Kurt smiles happily at Amanda for a second, before going over to the window

"You see, sir, if you vere to put a strange and interesting plant like this here in ze vindow, then maybe...".

Todd rolls his eyes

"Maybe what?. Maybe what? Do ya have any idea how rediculous ya sound", he snaps"Just because ya put a strange and interesting plant in the window, people don't suddenly..."

There is a scuffle, and then Magneto is pushed into the shop

"I hate this role", grumbles Magneto.

"Get on with it, please", shouts Warren.

"Excuse me. I couldn't help but notice that strange and interesting plant", Magneto shudders"oh God, I sound like that guy on the home shopping network. What is it".

"It's an Amanda II", says Amanda

"I've never seen anything like it before", says Magneto"which is just as well"

"No one has", says Kurt.

"Where did you get it", asks Magneto with wide-eyes and a stupid grin.

"Vell.", starts Kurt"...You remember that total eclipse of ze sun about a veek ago".

We suddenly cut to a week ago, where Kurt is walking down the street, Tabby, Wanda and Rogue are now dressed in green dresses, singing.

_**Da doo**_

Kurts voice over sounds over the track as we see him happily walking along the street.

**I vas valking in ze vholesale flower district zat day**

**_Shoop da-doo_**, sing the three.

Kurt pauses at a flower shop, run by Remy, shaking his hand

**And I passed by this place vhere this old Cajun man**

_**Remy-da-doo **_

"From de star to a cameo in one fatal swoop", mutters Remy.

Kurt goes about browsing the plants.

**He sometimes sells me veird and exotic cuttings**

The girls have magically appeared in front of Remy's shop

_**Snip da-doo**_

**'Cause he knows, you see, that strange plants are my hobby**

_**Da da da da da da-doo. **_

Kurt looks up from the browsing, giving a shug.

**He didn't have anything unusual there that day.**

_**Nope, da-doo**_

Kurt goes and crosses the street

**So I was just about to, ya know, valk on by**

He crosses to where Sam, Bobby, Ray and Evan and standing on a street corner, who start to click their fingers to the beat, like a street corner quartet, singing.

**Good for you**

**Ooooooooohhhhh**

**Shoo bob, a shoo bob, **

**Oooooooh ooooooohh**

Kurt pauses, looking up at the sky

**Vhen suddenly and vithout varning**

**Oooooooohohhhh**, sing the boys.

**There vas this, **starts Kurt

**_Total eclipse of the sun_**, sing the three and the boys.

We see the eclipse and everything goes black

**It got very dark**, says Kurt.

"Sorry, lights blew a fuse", shouts Forge from backstage

A green blot of light zaps from the sky into the plants as Kurt watches.

**And there was this strange hummming sound **

**Like something from another world**

"Me again", says Forge"sorry, getting it fixed".

The girls blink before going back to singing.

_**Da-doo**_

**And vhen ze light came back this veird plant vas just sitting there**, says Kurt

_**Whoop-see-doo **_

Kurt teleports over back to the plants and looks among the plants

**Just, you know, stuck in, among ze zinnias.**

**_Amanda two_**, they sing as Kurt picks up the plant.

**I coulda sworn it hadn't been zere before**

**  
But ze old Cajun man sold it to me anyways**

**  
For a dollar ninety-five**

"I should have charged more dan dat, Remy have to eat, you know", snaps Remy, then pauses"and what do you mean 'old'"

_**Sha la la, la la la, la la la loo**_

We go back to the present date, where Nick and Cap are pressed up against the window of the shop. Inside, Magneto still has the stupid grin on his face

"Well, that's an unusual story, and a fascinating plant", says Magneto.

He turns to go, then stops

"Oh, while i'm here, i might as well take fifty dollars worth of roses", he groans"...what in Hells names am I going to DO with them?. I have no one".

"You can give them to me, daddy", grins Pietro.

"Fifty dollars", shouts Todd as the staff run to get the roses ready.

"Can you break a hundred", asks Magneto.

"Look around, vhat do YOU think", mutters Kurt.

"No", replies Todd, crossing his arms.

"Well, then I'll just have to take twice as many, won't I", says Magneto"ugh, THERE'S logic for you"

"Twice as many", asks Kurt

"Twice as many", asks Amanda.

"Twice as many", asks Kurt.

"...Can anyone else hear an echo", murmers Magneto

"Ok, that's a wrap, good job people", grins Warren"Cocktails at my place"

Amanda II suddenly morphs into Mystique

"Right, where's my agent", she snaps"we need some serious words"

-

Heh heh. Da doo! Do review. Until next time...


	4. A new kind of miracle grow

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer"No, dear. That's a frog. Bears wear hats".

-

I apologise for lack of updates yesterday. I went to see the Magic Roundabout Movie, GROOVY BABY!

-

ACT 4 - A new kind of miracle-grow

-

Back in the flower shop, buisness is booming (or blooming, ba dum pum) as more and more customers show up.

"That plant in the window it's simply amazing", says Callisto

"That plant in the window, wherever did you get it", says Agatha"because it's EVIL"

"Hush, you'll spoil the plot", hisses Warren.

"Look, there it is, Teryn", says Duncan.

"Oh my gosh, it's peculiar", says Teryn.

We see that buisness get even better, and the shop sells flowers by the truck load. By the end of the day, they have lots more cash

"Thank you, thank ya very much sir", he says, then grins"Thank you Come again"

"Vho do you think you are, Apu", mutters Kurt.

"Come an' look at the werido plant some more", shouts Todd"It's just gonna get bigger an' more interesting".

Todd and Amanda dance around in happiness

"You tell anyone I even looked at you", says Amanda with a snarl"and you'll walk with a limp for the rest of your life".

"Don't just stand there, yo. Quick, put that plant back in the", Todd pauses"...what did ya call it".

"Amanda II", says Kurt.

"Yeah, who could forget a stupid name like that", smirks Todd, doging a swipe from Amanda"Put that Amanda II back in the window where passersby can see it. Oh my God, I never though this could happen".

He puts his arms around both Kurt and Amanda

"Smell...", weezes Kurt.

"Shut up, Wookie Boy", snaps Todd, then sighs happily"Oh, my children...".

"If I thought I was related to you, I'd kill myself", mutters Amanda

"I'm takin' us all out ta dinner tonight", laughs Todd.

"Oh...I'd love to, Mr Tolensky", says Amanda"...but I have a date".

"With that same nogoodnick" snorts Todd"I'm tellin' ya, Amanda, ya don't need a date wit' him, ya need major medical".

"He's a rebel Mr Tolensky, but he makes good money", says Amanda, then sighs"Besides...he's the only fella I got".

She sighs and goes to the door

"Enjoy dinner", she says"Goodnight, Kurt".

She leaves and Kurt watches her go sadly

"Good night", Kurt sighs"...Amanda".

"Poor girl", tuts Todd.

"Are ve still going out", saks Kurt, then grimaces"...that sounds so very, very vrong".

Suddenly, Amanda II wilts and flops in it's pot. Todd looks at it, then at Kurt

"Ya not goin' anywhere, Wagner", snaps Todd"Ya stayin' right here an' takin' car'a that sick plant".

"I told you eet's been giving me trouble", saus Kurt"Amanda II is not a healthy girl".

"Strictly between us, nether is Amanda I", mutters Todd.

"What you saying about my voman", snaps Kurt, then sighs""If only I knew vhat breed eet vas".

"Who cares what breed it is", asks Todd"Look what it's done for buisness".

"I know", sighs Kurt.

"So work, Kurt. Nurse this plant back ta health", says Todd as he goes to leave"I'm countin' on ya".

"I know", says Kurt.

"Ya do", challanges Todd

"I do", says Kurt, then mutters"...bet you go an have dinner all by yourself vith my vages now...".

"Hah", laughs Todd"So fix, goodnight".

Todd leaves and Kurt 'ports down into his basement come home, though we can't SEE the girls, we can hear them singing in the background

_**Ooooooooooh oooooh wop**_

_**Sha la la woooo dop**_

_**Ooooooooohhh**_

_**Sha la la woooo dop**_

_**Oooooooohhhh**_

_**Sha la la wooo wop!**_

Kurt looks out of his tiny window to see Amanda in her home across the street, putting on her make-up for her date. He sighs heavily and puts Amanda II on the table

"Twoey, I don't know vhat else I can do for you", he sighs"Are you a sickly leetle plant, or are you just plain stubborn".

The plant does not answer

"Vhat ees eet you vant?. Vhat ees eet you need", asks Kurt, before begining to sing.

**I've given you sunshine **

**  
I've given you dirt**

**  
You've given me nothing **

**  
But heartache and hurt**

**  
I'm beggin' you sveetly**

**  
I'm down on my knees**

**  
Oh, please-grow for me!**

**I've given you plant food **

The three begin to join in.

_**Sha la la la**_

**And vater to sip**

_**Ooooooohhh**_

**I've given you potash...vhatever that is**

**  
You've given me zip**

He tries spraying some water on Amanda II

**Oh God, how I mist you **

**  
Oh pod, how you tease**

**  
Now, please-grow for me!**

**I've given you southern exposure**

**  
To get you to thrive**

He flicks through a plant book and shows a page to Amanda II, despite it being a plant, and unable to read

**I've pinched you back hard**

**  
Like I'm suposed to **

**  
You're barely alive**

He mutteres in German and tosses the book aside

**I've tried you at levels of moisture **

**  
From desert to mud**

**  
I've given you grow-lights**

**  
And mineral supplements**

He starts to clean up

**Vhat do you vant from me- Blood?**

He suddenly yelps in pain, after picking up a roses and stabbing himself with a thorn, swearing in German

"Language", says Warren.

"Eeet HURT", snaps Kurt"Damn roses, damn thorns".

He sucks on his finger to try and stop the blood..he pauses after he hears a second sucking sound. He blinks and turns to see the Amanda II sucking at him. He goes to touch it, and it snaps at his finger, making him pull away quickly. Amanda II starts sucking again, every time Kurt's bleeding finger goes near it, it tries to take his finger off. He puts his un-injured finger by Amanda II, who turns it's nose up at the offering

"Oh goodie...a flesh eating plant", grimaces Kurt.

**I've given you sunlight**

**  
I've given you rain**

**  
Looks like you're not happy**

**  
'Less I open a vein**

**  
I'll give you a few drops **

**  
If that'll appease**

He closes his eyes and squeases his injured finger allowing three drops to fall into Amanda II's open mouth. It gulps them down, them smiles, settling down

**Oh please-oh-oh-oh please-grow for me!**

As Kurt leaves the room, Amanda II suddenly grows quickly, denting in the can it is kept in

"Good job people", says Warren, dusting his hands.

"Medic! I von't stop bleeding", screams Kurt"Blood blood blood! Oooooooowww".

"Don't be such a wimp", says Todd

"Hey, you're not ze one bleeding here", whines Kurt.

"Think yourself glad you didn't just have to drink you own offsprings blood", says Mystique, then shudders"...ewwww".

"Our family is screwed...isn't eet", sighs Kurt.

-

There we go another act done! Next time, it's Amanda's big sloppy number! Do review, until next time...


	5. A girl can dream

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Nat King Cole stuck his finger in the pie and pulled out the bird".

Now I'm feeling better (actually dosed up on antibiotics, but still..) I decided to go back to updating this lovely parody. You get not one act, but two, you lucky people!

ACT 5 - A girl can dream

We open in the Radio station, where you can hear the broadcasts through the speakers in the waiting room. We can faintly hear Agatha and Irene singing.

**W-S-K-I-D.**

**Skid Row Radiooooo**

There is a brief tremor and some loud swearing before Lance begins to do a broadcaster voiceover.

"You're listening to Radio station WSKID, home of the hits. And in just a few minutes we'll bring you Funky Forge's Far Out World", he groans, "...God that's corny. The show where wonderful people bring in their Far Out things. But first, the weather.."

As Lance rambles on anouncing the weather, we see Kurt is sitting in the waiting room with Amanda II on his knee. Also in the room is Arcade with a giant nun and a saxaphone, Amara nursing a box that is chained up, and Colossus, with some very bizare looking contraption strapped to his back.

"Just a normal day in Todd Fan's mind, really", muses Kurt.

Kitty walks past and Kurt puts an arm out to stop her

"This is vorse than vaiting at ze post office", he says, "Excuse me, I vas told to come...".

"You're next", snaps Kitty, "SO BACK OFF!"

"Sorry", whimpers Kurt.

She leans on a desk and starts messing with some paperwork, as Kurt is glancing around the studio, Amanda II see's Kitty's rear end jutting out and opens it's mouth, reaching out to bite her. Kurt sees this in time and slams it's jaws shut

"Bad plant, no eating Kitty!", he hisses.

Lance finishes reading the weather and 70's music hits, we go into a sound booth, where Forge is sitting, surrounded by gadgets

"And now, Funky Forge's Far Out World, with your host, Funky Forge", he says, "that may be lame, but I get to play with all this neat stuff!"

He honks a bicycle horn into the microphone, before dinging a service bell

"Hi everybody, it's Far Out Funky Forge laughin' and scratchin' at ya", he says, "How's everybody doing today? I got a little bit of a stiff neck, let me just fix this up".

With a rather demanted laugh, he spins around a football clapper

"Oooooh, that feels alot better!".

"Vhat...did you do to him?", asks Kurt, watching the inventor with growing dread.

"We gave him some candy rock", says Warren, "...we didn't know that he'd react this way to it..honest".

"I...really don't vant to be in a small room vith him right now", says Kurt, then looks hopefully at Warren, "...can I come back later?".

Warren seems to consider this for a moment.

"No".

...Or not. He pushes Kurt into the room, who clings to Amanda II like a security blanket as he stares at a rather demented Forge

"I got a Groovy show for you today with some wonderfull Faaarrrrr Oouuuuuut stuff!", says Forge, "Whohahahhaha!".

He glances up as Kurt enters, a look in his eyes which suggests he's been out in the sun too long

"What are you doing here? Please lady, no!", he says, causing Kurt to look around with an arched brow, "Put your clothes back on!. It's Funky Forge, you can't do this to me! What if your husband were to walk in?".

He clears his throat and goes into a deep voice as Kurt looks around for any escape route other than the door that Warren is guarding

"I'm right here, Forge. I'm sorry, I love your show, but i'm going to have to kill you both with this machine gun", sas Forge, then SCREAMS into the microphone, "RATATATATATTATATATATATATAT!".

"Forge.", asks Kurt carefully, "...are you feeling...okay?".

"Oh you got me!", says Forge, clutching his chest, "Oh oh oh, I feel, I feel so very Grooooooovy! Hahahaha!".

Kurt gives a small whimper, wondering if he should just teleport away and how much cash he would lose if he quit the parody

"Ok, out first guest is a young man you probably read about in the newspapers, by the name of Kurt Wagne", says Forge, all note of insanity gone from his voice, "Is that correct?".

Kurt, finally thinking Forge has calmed down a little, walks over to the desk and nods

"Who has discovered a new breed of plant unkown on this planet", says Forge, "Let me play you down to your seat, Kurt".

He starts to clink some keys on a miniature piano, Kurt gulps and sits down, still rather worried

"Hello, Kurt!", says Forge.

Forge points at the microphone by Kurt who sighs and leans to it

"Err...hello, Forge", he says, "or demented sugar-rushed version of Forge"

"Geee, I wish you folks at home could see this Kurt, where did you get such a", Forge takes a breath, "Faaaaaarrrrr Ouuuuuuut plant?".

Kurt blinks, before taking a deep breath

"Vell, you remember zat total eclipse of ze sun about a veek ago?".

**Da doo**, sing the trio

We go to the flower store, where Todd is listening to the broadcast on the radio

"And thus we conclude our interview with Kurt Wagner, the young botanical..mind if I call you genius?", Forge pauses, "...even if it is MY title?".

"Gosh...no", rpelies Kurt.

"The genius who has discovered this most amazing, unidentifed plant", says Forge

"I'd like to remind our listeners zat ze Amanda II is on display exclusively at Tolensky's Skid Row Florists", says Kurt proudly.

Amanda taps on the window and Todd hops over quickly opening it, letting Amanda, who's arm is in a sling, into the shop

"Did I miss it?", asks Amanda, only to be susshed by Todd.

"And so until next week...", starts Forge

"The address!", screams Todd at the radio.

"...Forge saying, so long...".

"The address!".

"Open six days a vee...", starts Kurt, a little slow off the mark.

"Faaaaaaar Oouuuuuut!"., finishes Forge, the broadcast ending.

"I said mention the address!", screms Todd at the radio, giving it a shake, "stupid fuzzy elf!"

"He can't hear you...you know?", points out Amanda.

The show ends and Todd sighs, turning it off

"Oh well, it's still good advertising", he says.

Todd closes up the shop and he and Amanda step out onto the street

"Kurt's first radio broascast. I wanted to hear it so bad, i tried to be on time but...", she trails off, looking away.

"Don't tell me, ya got tied up", says Todd, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"No, just handcuffed a little", says Amanda

"...I could'a done without hearin' that", grimaces Todd, shuddering.

He shakes his head and leaves, Tabby, Wanda and Rogue, now in their street clothes, have been watching this and apporach her

"Girl, hey girl!", shouts Wanda, "I don't know who this mess is you've been hanging out with, but he is hazardous to your health!".

"Oh..that's for sure", says Amanda, then sighs, "but I can't leave him".

"Why not?", asks Tabby, crossing her arms.

"Oh, he'd get angry", reasons Amanda, "If he does this to me when he likes me, imagine what he'd do if he ever got mad".

"Castrate him", growls Wanda.

"So? Dump the chump", says Rogue, "Get another guy and let him protect you!...not that women NEED men to protect them, who wrote THIS script!".

"How about the little jerk with the", Wanda pauses, "...tail?".

"Kurt?", asks Amanda

"That's him!", says Tabby, "not too many guys with tails walking about, are there?"

"Oh, we're just friends", says Amanda, "I don't even deserve a sweet, considerate, suddenly successful guy like Kurt".

With that, she enters her house and closes the door, leaving the girls on the street

"That poor child suffers from low self-image", says Rogue

"You got a point", says Tabby.

"She got a problem", says Wanda, then shrugs, "...oh well, lets go get a soda".

With that, they walk off and we cut to the interior of Amanda's tiny home, where Amanda begins to sing.

**I know Kurt is the greatest**

**  
But I'm dating a semi-sadist**

**  
So I've got a black eye**

**  
And my arm's in a cast**

**  
Still, that Kurt is a cutie**

**  
Well, if not, he's got inner beauty**

She sighs, hugging a cuddly dog and walking around

**And I dream of a place **

**  
Where we could be together at last**

She opens a copy of 'Bayville's Better Homes and Gardens', flicking through the pictures

**A matchbox of our own**

**  
A fence of real chain link**

**  
A grill out on the patio**

**  
Disposal in the sink**

**  
A washer and a dryer and an ironing machine**

**  
In a tract house that we share**

**  
Somewhere that's green.**

We go off to Amanda's dream cheesy home, where Kurt is moving the lawn, while the cuddly dog become a real one

**He rakes and trims the grass**

**  
He loves to mow and weed**

**  
I cook like Betty Crocker **

**  
And I look like Donna Reed**

Inside the house, Amanda is happily cleaning around

**There's plastic on the furniture **

**  
To keep it neat and clean**

**  
In the Pine-Sol scented air **

**  
Somewhere that's green**

We see her dance around her house a bit, keeping a cheesy grin on her face all the time. We see Hank having a tupper-wear party. We go to where they are both sitting in front of the TV, with a little Kurt and a little Amanda on the floor with the dog

"Awwww...our kids would be so cute!", sighs Amanda

"Nein! Nein children!", screams Kurt from backstage

"Wow, we could have NINE!", squeals Amanda, "I love you!".

"I'm going...to go cry now", sighs Kurt.

Amanda ignores him, continuing to sing.

**Between our frozen dinner **

**  
And our bedtime, nine-fifteen**

**  
We snuggle watchin' Lucy **

**  
On our big, enormous twelve-inch screen**

"My parents had one of those when I was three...", muses Forge from backstage.

Later once again, they check on the kids and head to bed themselves as Amanda sings.

**I'm his December Bride**

**  
He's Father, he Knows Best**

**  
Our kids play Howdy Doody **

**  
As the sun sets in the west**

**  
A picture out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine**

It is revealed that the bedroom has twin beds

"Vhat ze Hell did I do to YOU!", squeaks Kurt.

We go back to Amanda's tiny little appartment, where she closes the book sadly

**Far from Skid Row**

**  
I dream we'll go**

**  
Somewhere that's green**

"And cut!", shouts Warren.

Amanda suddenly rushes to the bathroom

"Need to throw up, too cheesy, feeling...sick!", she cries.

Whahooo, another chappie done. You like? Do review. Until next time...


	6. Buisness is blooming

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "I've been an evil doctor for thirty frickin' years."

ACT 12 - Buiness is blooming.

We are still by Amanda's window, we pan up to the rooftops, where we can hear Wanda, Tabby and Rogue

**Yah yah yah yah, yah yah yah**

**  
Yah yah yah yah, yah yah yah**

We finally see the girls, who are wearing red frilly outfits and are dancing on the rooftops

"Well...this is demeaning", mutters Rogue.

The music kicks in higher as the girls sing in unison.

**Poor Kurty pushed a broom**

**Nothing in his news but gloom and doom**

**Then he lit a fuse and give him room**

**He started an explosion, holy cow**

**That thing went bang ka-boom**

**And he's havin' some fun now.**

They lean on a roof ledge

**NOW!**

**_Some fun now_**, sings Tabby

**Hot damn,** they sing in unison

**_Ain't he havin' some fun now, _**sings Wanda

**Yes, ma'am**

**_He's a-havin' some fun now_**, sings Rogue

**Oh boy**

**  
Ain't he havin' some fun now, now!**

They spin around and dance around the rooftops, shouting 'arrrrriiiba'...and such

"I'm glad I borrowed some of Alisons 'special coffee' for this scene", murmers Warren from where he flies above them..nice and safe.

As the girls continue singing, we see clips of a very sleepy Kurt feeding Amanda II blood from his hands

**_Some fun now_**, sings Tabby.

**Shut up**

"No" says Tabby.

**_Ain't he havin' some fun now, _**sings Wanda

**Hot stuff**

**_He's a-havin' some fun now_**, sings Rogue

**Oh boy**

**Ain't he havin' some fun now, now!**

**Some fun now **

**He's havin' some fun now**

**  
Yes, he's havin' some fun now **

**Ain't he havin' some fun now!**

**  
Some fun now. **

**Some fun now**

**  
Some fun now**

**Some fun now**

We go to a a while later, where Amanda II is quite big now. There are lots of people bustling around the shop, looking at it, while Todd pushes his way through them to get to the ringing telephone

"'Scuse me, comin' through!", he shouts, "Watch it lady!".

He picks up the phone and takes a deep breath

"Yes, Mr Guthrie. No, Mr Guthrie", he says, "Right away, Mr Guthrie".

He puts down the phone and shouts Kurt, who is leaning against a cuboard, looking very listless from the loss of blood. His coat is in poor condition too!

"KURT!".

"Huh", asks Kurt sleepily, looking in a different direction.

"Did ya send off the order for Mr Guthrie?", asks Todd.

Kurt looks at him blankly, before blinking

"Mr Guthrie?", he asks, then squeals, "I forgot!".

"Ya forgot? Ya forgot!", Todd looks at the ceiling, "Do ya hear this, God?. He forgot! Are ya listening, customers? He forgot!".

"You don't have to rub eet in", mutters Kurt.

Kurt bamfs into a back room, where Amanda does her flower arrangements

"Amanda, quick", he says, "Vev'e got to do an emergency arrangment".

"Birthday? Wedding? Baby?", asks Amanda

"Funeral", sighs Kurt.

"Hand me the lilies", says Amanda.

Amanda start to bustle around, doing her job as Kurt babbles

"Mr Tolensky's real mad at me", sighs Kurt, "I keep forgetting things".

"Scissors", says Amanda, taking them from him, "You've got a lot on your mind".

Todd enters, flicking through more orders

"Mind, what mind?", he mutters, "The Guthrie's are our most important funeral account. A big enormous family, dropping off like flies!".

"Pardon?", whimpers Sam form backstage, before cannonballing off, "ahm commin' home, Mamma, HOLD ON!"

"...Yeah...okay", says Warren, blinking.

Todd shakes his head, leaving the room.

"Sometimes I think Mr Tolensky's too hard on you", says Amanda, "Glue".

Kurt hands her the glue, and she sprays with lilies with it

"Oh, that's okay", says Kurt, "I owe him everything".

"Glitter".

"...So nice to have someone to talk to", says Kurt dryly.

He hands her the glitter and she throws it onto the lilies

"He took me out of ze Skid Row Home for Boys vhen I vas just a leetle tyke", he says, "He gave me a varm place to stay, floors to sveep, toilets to clean...".

"Heh heh", chuckles Todd from backstage.

"And every other Sunday off", says Kurt.

"You know, I think you ought to raise your expectations, Kurt. Now that you're getting successful, I mean", says Amanda, "It's clear you suffer from a low self-image".

Kurt blinks at her for a few moments.

"I'm blue and furry and have a tail!", he shouts, "And shall ve not mention ze hoved toes and three digits on each hand! YOU look like this and not have a low self-image!".

"And it's high time you get it fixed", says Amanda, ignoring him, "Why don't you go out and do something nice for yourself, like buy some new clothes?".

Kurt looks down at his clothes

"Vas vrong vith my clothes?".

"Kuuurrrrt!", warns Warren.

"Sorry", sighs Kurt, "I'm a very bad shopper, Amanda. I don't have good taste like you".

Amanda clears her throat and looks very flattered

"Well..I could help you pick things out", she offers.

"You could?", asks Kurt hopefully.

"Sure", says Amanda, shrugging.

"You'd go shopping vith me?".

"Sure".

"You'd be seen vith me in a public place like a department store?".

Amanda pauses.

"...Sure".

"Tonight?", asks Kurt, almost hopping from foot to foot.

"Oh, I can't tonight, I got a date", says Amanda

Todd snorts, leaning on the doorframe.

"Again, this date?", he rolls his eyes, "Some date".

Kurt bamfs out of the room

"A date gives ya a corsage, not a multiple fracture", says Todd, "I'm telln' ya, Amanda, he's not a good, clean kind'a boy".

"He's a professional", says Amanda.

"What kind'a professional drives a motorcyle and wears a black leather jacket!", snaps Todd.

Those that have read the parody in it's first incarnation know, oh yes... Do review. Until next time...


	7. A good reason to brush your teeth

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Goodnight slot-head".

* * *

ACT 7 - A good reason to brush your teeth

* * *

We open with Pyro driving along on a motorcycle, looking tough and scary. He gives one of his fmaous manic grins before laughing into song.

**When I was younger, just a bad little kid**

**  
My mama noticed funny things I did**

**  
Like shootin' puppies with a B B gun**

**  
I'd poison guppies, and when I was done**

**  
I'd find a pussycat and bash in its head.**

"Todd Fan would like to point out that, as an animal rights activist, she disagrees with all of these things", says Warren, popping on screen, "thank you and enjoy the deranged rambling that is our show".

Pyro blinks, before shrugging, going back to singing.

**  
That's when my mama said...**

He leaps off his bike by a building, then looks at his bike, it stops all by itself, terrified of it's owner. Wanda, Tabby and Rogue are standing out on the street in grey costumes

**_What did she say?_**, they sing

Pyro carries on into the building

**She said, 'My boy, I think someday**

**  
You'll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay**

He suddenly remvoes his leather jacket, revealing a dentists uniform underneath.

"We're all going to die!", screams Dani, where is is waiting in line.

Pyro grins manically, continuing to sing.

**You'll be a dentist**

**You have a talent for causin' things pain**

**_Pain_**, sing the trio.

Logan walks by in a nurses uniform, Pyro studdnly juts out his fist, knocking Logan to the ground

"OWWW!", winces Pyro, shaking his hand, "adamantium skulls HURT!".

"That's not the only thing that'll be hurtin'", mutters Logan from the floor.

Pyro laughs nervously, then continues his song.

**Son, be a dentist**

**People will pay you to be inhumane**

All his clients in the waiting room shrivel away in fright from him. As he passes Evan, he snaps his skateboard in half.

"Awww...man", sighs Evan sadly.

Pyro skips into one of his dental rooms, where Alex is sitting rather nervously in a chair, more nervous of the singing Aussie than anything else.

**Your temp'rament's wrong for the priesthood**

**  
And teaching would suit you still less**

**  
Son, be a dentist. You'll be a success'**

He knees Alex in the side, before twisting a very nasty set of dental pliers in Alex's mouth

"Pain...so very much", whimpers Alex, "...pain".

He leaves Alex and goes into the next room, where Scott is strapped to a chair, trying his best to escape

"Crazy Austrailian with dental exquipment!", mutters Scott, then notices Pyro in the room, giving a whimper, "...mother!".

The girls appear again, this time dressed in dental uniforms

**_Here he is, folks: the leader of the plaque!_**, sings Rogue

Pyro grins at Scott, then puts a gas mask on his face, sucking in the gas. He gives a VERY manical laugh.

**_Watch him suck up that gas! Oh, my god!_**, sings Tabby

"Is that REAL gas?", asks Scott, wide-eyed behind his visor.

"No, it's just air, that laughing is perfectly natural", says Wanda, then adds as an afterthought, "...for him".

**_He's a dentist and he'll never ever be any good_**, she sings

**_Who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade?_**, sing the trio.

Pyro give a manical laugh and sticks a needle in Scott's mouth

**_Oh that hurts!_**, sings Scott, then blinks, **_Wait, I'm not numb!_**

Pyro arches a brow, before smirking, whirring his drill evily.

_**Oh, shut up open wide here I come!**_

Pyro suddenly attacks Scott's mouth with a drill, we get to see a lovely view from inside Scott's mouth, where Pyro is drilling away, the girls behind him

**I am your dentist**, sings Pyro

**He's my dentist**, sings Scott arkwardly through his open mouth

**And I enjoy the career that I picked**, sings Pyro

**_He loves it_**, sing the trio.

**I am your dentist**, sings Pyro

**_Fitting braces_**, sing the girls, backing away slightly.

**And I get off on the pain I inflict**, sings Pyro.

As he leaves the room, he wacks Nurse Logan with the door, knocking him to the floor..again

**_Really love it_**, sing the girls, watching Logan in amusement,

Stepping over Logan, Pyro floricks through the corridors, any and all patitents running for their lives as he sings.

**I thrill when I drill a bicuspid**

**  
It's swell though they tell me I'm maladjusted.**

He enters another room, where Jean is floating by the ceiling, whimpering.

"No, never, ever will I let you near my perfect teeth!", she screams.

Pyro ignores her, continuing to sing.

**And though it may cause my patients distress**

**  
Somewhere, somewhere in heaven above me**

**  
I know, I know, that my mama's proud of me **

He opens a closest, rvealing a mini-shrine to Mrs Allerdyce...who looks just as manic as her offspring.

"Oh, mamma", grins Pyro.

**'Cause I'm a dentist and a success**

He clicks his fingers and Jean falls into the chair. He gets the weird water squirty thing and advances on her, spraying it into her mouth

**Say ah!**

"Ahhhhgggggh!", screams Jean

**Say ah!**

"Ahhhghhhhh!", screams Jean, with added terror.

**Say ah! **

"Ahhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhh!", gurgles Jean, her mouth filled with water.

**Now spit, **sings Pyro.

He smacks her on the back and we cut to outside the flower shop, where Kurt is epmtying flower vases of their water. He starts to go inside, but pauses upon hearing a motorcycle revving and the sound of manical laughter

"...Logan?", asks Kurt, blinking around.

Suddenly, Pyro and his motorbike suddenly drop from the sky into the alley. Pyro gets off and sucks up some protable laughing gas, before laughing manically and starting to go inside

"God save my little broken body", whimpers Kurt, before taking a deep breath, stepping in front of Pyro, "Excuse me sir, you can't go in zere right now".

Pyro glares at Kurt, before yanking him forwards, making Kurt whimper

"Relax", grins Pyro, "You want some nitrous oxide?".

Kurt blinks at the portable gas canister.

"I'm trying to quit", he says, with a cough, "...sorry".

"Suit yourself", says Pyro with a shrug.

He sucks up some more gas, before giggling almost satanically and starting to enter the shop again

"Ve're closed", says Kurt weakly.

Pyro pauses, before turning around and advancing on Kurt. Amanda suddenly rushes out before Pyro can kill the Elf

"It's all right, Kurt. This is my date, my boyfriend", she says, "Kurt, St John Allerdyce".

Pyro snaps his head to glare at her

"Err... D.D.S", she adds with a nervous laugh.

"Zey gave YOU a title?", asks Kurt, blinking dubiously at Pyro.

Pyro nods then smirks at Kurt

"Hey! I know you, i saw you the the news! I even know your name, Now lets see", Pyro squints his eyes, obviously thinking hard, "It's...Kevin..No, no...it's err, Karl..".

"Nein", says Kurt, "it's..."

"Give me a chance!", snaps Pyro, "It's...Kermit?".

"Kurt!", says Amanda with a grin.

Pyro turns around to glare at her

"Somebody talking to you?", he asks.

"Bring it on, fire boy!", snarls Amanda.

"Amanda", sighs Warren, "...please read the script".

"Yeah, well no girl I know would take this trash for a laughing gas junkie idiot!", snaps Amanda, crossing her arms, "Todd Fan's a feminist"

"As well as an animal rights activist?", asks Kurt, arching a brow.

"She's a hippie", says Warren with a shrug, "without the drugs and dancing around naked hugging trees".

"Okey dokey then", blinks Pyro, "I have issues with being so nasty too!...i don't hit girls".

"No, but you'll try and blow them up with an oil tanker", snaps Wanda, crossing her arms moodily.

"I'm not ASKING you to hit her, just...threaten her...you're good at that, right?", tries Warren, before shaking his head, walking away, "...I need a lie down. Just read your lines so we can go home".

"No...excuse me", says Amanda, putting on a fake whimper.

"Excuse me WHAT?", snaps Pyro, feigning anger.

"Excuse me, Doctor", adds Amanda.

"That's better", says Pyro.

He turns his attention back to Kurt, who has been watching the way he treated Amanda with wide-eyes

"I know! You're the plant guy, right?", grins Pyro, "Weell, heey, that means it must be in there, huh?".

He walks into the shop and looks at Amanda II

"Well. That is incredible!", he says, squinting at her, "What do you call that thing!.

"Amanda II", says Kurt.

"Cute name, it's catchy. Nice plant", Pyro blinks, "Big".

"Shouldn't we be leaving now?", asks Amanda.

Pyro spins around and advances on her

"You're quite the little chatterbox tonight, 'aint ya?".

"I'm sorry", squeaks Amanda.

"Sorry, WHAT?", growls Pyro.

"Sorry, Doctor. Doctor", says Amanda, wincing away, "Sorry, Doctor".

She cowers from him and he smirks, looking at Kurt

"You've got to train them, huh stud?", he grins.

He clicks his fingers, ordering Amanda to turn his bike around, which she does

"Here's my card", he says, handing Kurt a card, "You need a root canal or anything like that, give me a buzz".

"I think you vould be ze last person I called if I vanted a root canal", says Kurt dryly.

"I'm serious", says Pyro, then adds with a wink, "it's on the house!".

"Lucky me", mutters Kurt.

"Amanda!", shouts Pyro.

She sits on the back of his motorbike as he gets on it

"You got the handcuffs?", he asks.

"Someone's going to get beaten uuuup!", sings Kurt with a growl.

"They're right in my bag", says Amanda.

Pyro nods, takes another whiff of gas before laughing manically, starting up his bike and driving off with Amanda into the night

"And cut", says Warren.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry", squeaks Pyro, "...can I buy you some chocolate to make up for it?"

"Mmmmmmmm chocolate", grins Amanda.

* * *

And there is another act done and dusted! Do review. Until next time... 


	8. Meal for mother

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Were you born with that knife superglued onto your hand or what".

* * *

Wow, I haven't updated this fic in a while. Bad TF, BAD!. I'd better give you two acts to make up for it ;)

ACT 8 - A meal for mother

* * *

After watching Pyro and Amanda leave, Kurt goes back into the shop, he sighs and looks over at Amanda II

"You ought to see ze vay he treats her, Towey", he says, apparently finding nothing unusual in speaking to a plant, "She deserves a prince, not a sadistic creep like him. Ze man's a total disgrace to ze dental profession".

"Hey!", shouts Pyro from backstage.

Kurt sighs, giving Amanda II a gentle pat on the..err..head

"I don't know vhat's going on sometimes. Seems like ze vhole vorld ees going crazy", he says, "At least ve got each other, right? I'm gonna turn in, Twoey. I'll see you in ze morning".

As he goes to shut down the blinds, Amanda II droops to the floor

"Ach, here ve go again", he mutters, "Come on, I haven't got much left. Just give me a few days to heal and ve'll start again on ze left hand and...".

"Feed me", says Mystique.

"I...", Kurt blinks, "beg your pardon?".

"Feed me", says Mystique, still on the floor.

"Twoey, you talked!", says Kurt in amazement, "You opened your trap and you said...".

Mystique suddenly pulls her head up to 'stare' at Kurt

We would like to remind our viewers that Mystique will be in the form of a plant for the duration of this fan fic", says Warren with not-very-well hidden glee.

"Feed me Wagner!", she shouts, "Feed me NOW!".

"I can't!", whimpers Kurt pathetically, "you hate me, my mother hates me!"

"Kurt..I don't hate you", sighs Mystique.

"You threw me into a river!".

"Can we discuss family issues off the set please?", snaps Warren.

"But I'm starving!", says Mystique.

"Look, maybe I can squeeze a little more out of this one", says Kurt, then pauses, "you know, out of context...that sounds very, very vrong"

He takes off one of the plasters on his fingers and shows it to Mystique, nothing coming out

"More! More! More!", shouts Mystique

"That sounds familiar", muses Sabertooth from backstage.

"Shut up!", snaps Mystique.

"There isn't any more! Vhat do you vant me to do?", asks Kurt, "Slit my vrists?".

"Ahhhh", grins Mystique.

Kurt blinks, backing away from her

"Oh..boy. Look, i've got an idea. I'll go down to Freddy's and pick you up some nice chopped sirloin".

"Must be blood", says Mystique.

"Twoey", grimaces Kurt, "...that's disgusting".

"Must be fresh!", points out Mystique.

"I don't vant to hear this", says Kurt, covering his ears.

**Feed me!**, sings Mysique.

"Does eet have to mutant?", asks Kurt.

**Feed me!**, sings Mystique.

"Does eet have to be mine?", tries Kurt.

**Feed me!**, sings Mystique.

"Vhere am I supposed to get eet?", asks Kurt dryly, "...Fresh Corpses R Us?".

Mystique smirks, lauching into full blown-out song.

**Feed me, Kurty**

**Feed me all night long**

**  
That's right, boy!**

**You can do it!**

**  
Feed me, Kurty**

**Feed me all night long**

**Ha, ha, ha, ha ha.**

**  
'Cause if you feed me, Kurty**

**I can grow up big and strong**

"You eat blood, Amanda II, let's face eet", says Kurt, "How am I supposed to keep feeding you? Kill people!".

"I'll make it worth your while", smirks Mystique.

"Vas!", asks Kurt, wide-eyed.

"You think this is all a coincidence, baby?", asks Mystique, "The sudden success around here?. The press coverage?".

Kurt frowns and starts to back away

"Look, you're a plant", he says, more to himself than the plant, "An inanimate object!".

As he walks away, Mystique uses a vine to pull a chair up behind Kurt, making him sit on it as she pulls it, and him, inches from her face

"Eeep", eeps Kurt.

"Does this look inanimate to you, punk!", snaps Mystique, "If I can talk and I can move, who's to say I can't do anything I want?".

"Maybe ze fact you are stuck in a plant pot", mutters Kurt, but after getting a disaproving look from Warren adds, "...I mean...like vhat?".

"Like deliver, pal", grins Mystique, "Like, see you get evertyhing your sacred, greasy heart desires!".

"Oh gee...thanks", mutters Kurt as Mystique sings again.

**Would you like a Cadillac car?**

**  
Or a guest shot on Jack Paar?**

**  
How about a date with Hedy Lamarr?**

"Vho?", asks Kurt, confused.

**You gonna git it**, sings Mystique.

**If you want it, baby**

**  
How would you like to be a big wheel**

**  
Dinin' out for every meal?**

**  
I'm the plant to make it all real**

**  
You gonna git it**

"No sale...", says Kurt.

"Shut up, Kurt!", snaps Warren

"I already don't like vorking vith HER", sniffs Kurt

"It isn't peaches and cream for me either, son!", snaps Mystique.

"STOP IT, STOP IT NOW!", screams Warren, "from this moment on, you are not related on the set, you are two idiots who have to read their scripts or get shot at, got it!"

The two grumble under their breaths before Mystique starts to sing again.

**Hey, I'm your genie**

**I'm your friend**

**I'm your willing slave**

**  
Take a chance**

**Feed me, eh? **

**You know what kinda eats**

**What kinda red hot treats**

**What kinda sticky licky sweets I crave**

**  
Come on, Kurty, don't be a putz.**

**  
Trust me and your life will surely rival King Tut's**

**  
Show a little initiative, boy, work up some guts**

**  
And you'll git it.**

Kurt frowns, walking away form her, hanging his head as he sings.

_**I don't know**_

"Come on, boy!", says Mystique

**_I don't know_**, sings Kurt.

"Lighten up", mutters Mystique.

**_I have so, so many strong reservations_**, sings Kurt.

"Tell it to the marines", sneers Mystique.

_**Should I go and perform mutilations?**_

He glances at a table where Forge's arm, with a lovely big blade is sitting

"Question", pipes up Forge from backstage, "why is it whenether there is a weapon involved in these parodies, you people use my arm?"

"It saves on the movie's budget", says Warren with a shrug.

Forge considers this for a moment.

"Oh..okay...I don't want any blood on it when I get it back".

Mystique giggles a little, then looks at Kurt.

"You didn't have nothin', 'till you had me. Come on kid, what will it be? Money? Girls? One particular girl? How about that Amanda?", Mystique's grin widens, "Think it over, there must be someone eighty-six, reeeeeal quite like, and get me some LUNCH!".

**Think about a room at the Ritz**

**  
Wrapped in velvet, covered in glitz**

**  
A little nookie gonna clean up those zits**

"Vas zits?", asks Kurt, with a frown, "I have no vits!"

**And you'll git it**, sings Mystique.

Kurt thinks for a few moments before smiling slightly.

_**Gee, I'd like a Harley machine**_

"Now you're thinking!", grins Mystique as Kurt sings.

_**Toolin' around like I was James Dean**_

_**  
Makin' all the guys on the corner turn green**_

**So go git it**, sings Mystique.

**If you want to be profound**

**If you really got to justify**

**  
Take a whiff and look around**

**A lot of folks deserve to die.**

Kurt eeps and slams Mystique's mouth closed

"Vait a minute, zats not a very nice thing to say!", he says.

"But it's true, isn't it?", grins Mystique,"like the guy at Marvel who decided to cancel my series. Oh well, at least I got to have a lip-lock with Forge at the end"

"Todd Fan made odd little 'squee' sounds when that happened", mutters Forge, "she's just happy I get ANY action"

"WIll you two stop moaning about your failed lives and get on with it?", snaps Warren.

"Nein! I don't know anyone vho deserves to get chopped up and fed to a hungry plant!", says Kurt, "..though Marvel DID put my series on hiatus..."

"Mmmmmm sure you do", grins Mystique.

She points out of the window, where we see Pyro riding up on his motorbike. He gets off it and it, once again, stops on it's own

"Stupid woman. Christ, what a friggin' scatterbrain!", mutters Pyro.

We see Amanda running up, she runs past Wanda, Rogue and Tabby, in their street clothes as she goes

"I'm sorry, doctor. I'm sorry, doctor!", says Amanda.

"Falls off the motorcycle!", says Pyro

"I'm clumsy, doctor!", whimpers Amanda.

"Messes my hair!", rants Pyro

Pyro kicks open the door to Amanda's appartment building, while Amanda tries to open the door of her appartment

"Get the door open you little slut", Pyro whimpers, "sorry, sorry"

"I'm trying, Doctor! Im trying!", says Amanda, then rolls her eyes, "stop saying your sorry, you're a lousy actor!"

They walks in and we see their shiloettes on the window blinds

"Get the Vitalis. Quick, the Vitalis!", says Pyro

"I'm out of it!", says Amanda, "and I'm not sure what it is"

"What!", asks Pyro.

We see on the shiloette, Pyro give Amanda a slap

"Err, for the record, folks...I didn't do that", says Pyro, "It was a trick of the light".

"Nope, he DID but me lots of chocolate though", Amanda grins, "...I like this guy".

We go into the shop where Kurt is wtaching this angrily

"HE'S TRYING TO STEAL MY VOMAN!", screams Kurt before he and Mystique sing in unison.

**If you want a rationale**

**It isn't very hard to see, no, no, no**

**  
Stop and think it over, pal**

**The guy sure looks like plant food to me**

"Huh?", asks Pyro

**The guy sure looks like plant food to me**

**  
The guy sure looks like plant food to me**

**YEAH YEAH**, sings Mystique

**_He's so nasty, treatin' her rough_**, sings Kurt

**Smackin' her around and always talkin' so tough**, sings Mystique

_**You need blood and he's got more than enough**_

"Oh...crap", says Pyro.

**I need blood and he's got more than enough**

"Double crap", says Pyro.

**_I/You need blood and he's got more than enough_**, they sing in unison

**So go git it!**, sings Mystique.

"And cut!", says Warren.

"Do I really have to be so mean?...I feel awful!", sighs Pyro sadly.

"Shut up, I have to eat people", says Mystique, "...I have to eat you".

"What!", squeaks Pyro.

* * *

Click on to the next fun filled act! 


	9. Death of a dentist

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Be nice to the delivery guy its not his fault he can't read".

* * *

Wee, the second act of this two parter. Say 'Bye Bye' to Pyro, folks!

ACT 9 - Death of a Dentist

* * *

We open in the Dental surgey, where screaming can be heard. Pietro is sitting on his chair, looking like a kid waiting in line to go on a very cool ride. Logan, still in nurses uniform, walk past and Pietro jumps in front of him

"Hey, are they finished?", asks Pietro excitedly, "My turn?".

"SIT!", hisses Logan

Pietro sighs and sits down. A door opens and Evan steps out with Storm, a huge metal...thing attached to his mouth, with bits of wires attatched to his spikes.

"What happened", asks Pietro excitedly, "What did he do?. Tell me everything!".

Evan makes mumbling and squeaking noises, gesturing at the contraption on his face

"They have to do that to remove the jaw", says Pietro, matter-of-factly, "Ahhh consider yourself very, very lucky".

Storm takes the crying Evan away and Pietro sits down again. Pyro walks out of his office and looks around the waiting room

"Next!", calls out Pyro.

Pietro jumps up and down excitedly

"It's me, Pietro Maximoff!", he squeals with excitement, "I'm next!".

"...What did you feed him?", asks Wanda, blinking.

"Pixie sticks", smiles Warren, "isn't he fun?"

Pyro looks at him and blinks

"Nurse?".

Logan, a biker jacket over his nurses uniform pauses at the door

"You keep calling me that, and you'll NEED a nurse", he growls.

"Does THAT have an appointment?", asks Pyro, pointing at Pietro.

"Ask IT", growls Logan, "I'm off duty".

With that, he leaves, Pietro jumps off his chair and skips over to Pyro

"I've been saving all month for this", he says, "I think I need a root canal. I'm sure I need a long, slow root canal".

Pyro turns to face him and Pietro opens his mouth. Pyro gives an anyoyed sigh

"Let's go", says Pyro

"I have a history of dental problems", chatters Pietro.

"Shut up!", snaps Pyro, not all that bothered about being nasty to Pietro, as he heads to his room.

Pietro gives a happy sigh

"Yes, doctor", he whispers.

"God...that's creepy", says Warren wiht a shudder, then grins, "I love it, keep shooting!".

Pietro skips happily into a dental room and sits down, while Pyro preps the room, Pietro preps himself, he is obviously well used to what needs to be done

"I went to a terrible dentist on Wednesday, who was recommended to me by somebody I saw on Monday, who is the brother of a man I usually see on Sundays. And their mother actually taught them everything they know", natters Pietro, unware at how boring he is, and how all the readers will skip over his words, "She's incredibly gifted, but elderly. People think she shouldn't be working. But I go to her because I'm just incredibly devoted to her strength. She can't really see who you are, but she knows the sound of your voice", you could put a random word like dimple here and no one would notice, "And if you tell her where it is, the problem, she eventually works her way back, she finds the trouble and she does it. I wish I had that stamina. I can only go so long. That's how I want to be. I don't ever want to have to be just...".

Fed up of his yammering, Pyro knocks back the dental chair and grins at Pietro from abaove

"Ahhhhhh!", screams Pietro

"Comfy?", asks Pyro with that particular grin of his.

"Yes, doctor. I remember the first time I went to a dentist", says Pietro, "I thought 'gosh what a neat job! If only I were a dentist'".

Pyro opens up a cabinet filled with dangerous looking dental equipment that Forge put together last minute

"The dentist I went to had the greatest car. He had a corvette", yaps on Pietro, "Everybody calls him 'Doctor', and he's not really a doctor. Oh my God!".

Pietro sits up, watching Pyro take out the nasty looking gizmos

"I got out of there okay, but after it was finished, they gave me a candy bar", says Pietro, panick edging into his voice, "And I thought 'I get a candy bar?' This is what you do, you go thorugh that and get chocolate. But getting to work with incredible professionals, using incredibly wonderfull equipment..."

"Thank you", smiles Forge

"Lets take a look at that mouth", grins Pyro.

He hold up a rather violent looking spikey thing

"Say ahhhhh", grins Pyro

"Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!", screams Pietro.

We cut to outside in the waiting room, where Kurt walks sneakily in. We can hear Pietro screaming about candy bars in the background. Kurt removes a gun from his back pocket into his front one. Back inside the surgery, Pyro watches Pietro in wonder. He has a grin on his face, despite the fact the inside of his mouth has just been ravaged.

"Yeah, great! You are something special", squeals Pietro, "You are something special. Come on! Come on!".

"Okay, and you people say I'M physcotic", asks Pyro, "Have you SEEN this guy!".

As Pyro adavnces with some even NASTIER looking eqiupment, we cut to the waiting room again, where Kurt listens nervously to the pain-filled, yet happy cries of Pietro. Back in the surgey, Pyro is twisting Pietro's mouth at all angles

"It's your professionalism that I respect", giggles Pietro, "Don't stop, Doc. Don't stop! Come on! More!".

"Okay, you stop that, right now!", snaps Pyro.

Pyro pulls out a pair of grabbers and Pietro flicks his tounge around in is mouth

"What do you want?", giggles Pietro, "Say, please!".

Pyro grabs Pietro's tounge with the grapsers and pulls back, before poinging it back in his mouth. Kurt shifts uncofortably as he hears happy laugher

"I'm going to get a candy bar!", squeals Pietro.

Pietro claps excitedly as Pyro adavances on his with a drill, Pietro makes delighted noises. Pyro takes his drill away and looks at Pietro, disgusted

"Get out", growls Pyro.

Pietro blinks and spits out the cottonballs

"What's wrong?", he asks inocently.

"Get out of here!", snaps Pyro

"What's the matter?", asks Pietro

"Go on, get out of here!", shouts Pyro.

Pyro forcibly pushes Pietro out of the surgery and towards the door.

"I'm gonna tell each and every one of my friends about you and they're gonna hear..."., yaps on Pietro.

"Just get...", Pyro trails off as he pushes Pietro's chest.

He reaches into Pietro's jacket to pull out a piece of dental equipment

"Oopps...Heh he..sorry", chuckles Pietro.

Pyro growls and slams the door shut

"Goddamn sicko!", mutters Pyro.

"Pot calling the kettle black, there, St. John", points out Warren.

Pyro heads back, but then notices Kurt, he points the dental equipment at him

"Let me ask you something", he says, "Does this thing scare you?".

"You scare me", mutters Kurt, "...I mean, Ja".

"Would you like if I took this thing and made straight for your godamn incisors!", growls Pyro.

"Nein!", whimpers Kurt, crouching into the seat.

"It'd hurt, right?", asks Pyro, "You'd scream, right?"

Kurt nods

"Then get your ass in there!", snaps Pyro, pushing Kurt into the surgery and into a dental chair, "Say, don't I know you?".

"Kurt Vagner", says Kurt, "ve met yesterday".

"Your mouth's a mess kid! Look at those fangs!", says Pyro, "That wisdom tooth, we'll rip that little bugger right out of there! What do you say?".

"NEIN!", screams Kurt in mind-numbing-absolute horror.

"There's always time for dental hygene, Kurt", says Pyro, "You ever seen the results of a neglected mouth?".

He runs over to a light box and puts it on, showing a close-up picture of Rahne in wolf form, snarling.

"Look, Kurt. This could happen to you", says Pyro, "Unless I take immediate action!".

He pulls a gadget over to Kurt's side

"Vas is das?".

"A drill!", grins Pyro.

He clicks it on and sure enough, it s a drill

"Eet's rusty!", whimpers Kurt.

"It's an antique. They don't make 'em like this anymore", says Pyro, looking at the drill as if it were a work of art.

"Nien, there something called 'health and safety code vilolations'!", points out Kurt.

"Sturdy, heavy, dull", says Pyro in awe.

Kurt winces and keeps him mouth tight closed as Pyro advances on him with the drill, Pyro pauses

"I'm gonna want some gas for this", says Pyro.

"Thank God", sighs Kurt, "I thought you vere'nt going to use any".

"Oh that gas isn't for you, Kurt. It's for me", says Pyro reasurringly.

"Now...I'm vorried", Kurt is not reassured.

"You see, I want to really enjoy this", says Pyro, "In fact, I'm going to use my special gas mask!".

"I vant to go home...", cries Kurt.

"I find a little giggle gas beforeIi begin increases my pleasure enormously", says Pyro.

As Pyro goes to the back, Kurt gets out the gun, then puts it back in his pocket. Pyro emerges from the back room with a huge mask on his face, attached to a tank of gas. On either side of the mask, small balloon-like things go up and down with his breathing

"You can always count on Forge to build somehthing bizare and useless in a few seconds with a limited film budget", smiles Warren

"This is a snug fit Forge", smiles Pyro, "...may I keep it".

"Errr...ok.", says Forge.

"Here we go", grins Pyro.

He grins and turns on the machine, his eyes going wide again

"Forge...you did remember only to put NORMAL air in that thing..didn't you?", asks Warren

"You asked for a laughing gas machine, you got it", says Forge, crossing his arms, "you wanted different, you should have said".

Warren digests this information for a minute, before his eyes widen.

"Oh dear God", he screams, "KURT GET OUT OF THERE!".

Pyro's eyes go wide and he starts to giggle

"Oh Kurt, I'm flying", giggles Pyro hysterically.

"I'm goinng to die", whimpers Kurt, "...this vas not how I thought I vould go!".

Pyro starts up the drill, it hanging from his hand and swinging

"The things I'm gonna do to that mouth!", he says gleefully.

"Please, I don't van't to die!", sobs Kurt.

He gets within inches of shoving the drill in Kurt mouth before laughing manically and backing away. He goes to the close-up of wolf-Rahne mouth and switches on the lightbox. He giggles hysterically and points at the picture. Kurt gets up from his chair and back himself into a corner, getting the gun from his pocket and pointing it at the manic Austrailian. Pyro giggles a little less when he sees Kurt.

"What the hell's that? A gun?", Pyro grins, "Hehehhehehhehehe! The kids got a goddamn revolver. Teeehehehehhehehehehhe. I'm in trouble now, huh?. Wait 'till I turn this gas off".

He reaches behind him to turn off the gas, only to have the handle snap off in his hand

"Oh...would you look at that", says Forge, then sighs, "I KNEW there was something I was supposed to fix on that before I let anyone use it!".

"You mean you didn't test it first!", screams Warren

"Test?", Forge blinks, "What is this 'Test'?".

Pyro looks at the handle, before looking at Kurt, who is still pointing the gun at him

"Uh oh...awwww give me a hand would ya?", Pyro pauses to consider, "No, I guess you wouldn't, would you?".

Pyro starts to cough and laugh at the same time, falling to the floor, desperately trying to rip the gadget off his back

"We really should go and help...", starts Forge

"I want to finish off this scene", says Warren, "...I'm going for an Oscar here"

"If Pyro dies", points out Forge, "Todd Fan will be maaad".

Pyro, meanwhile, is still frailing around on the floor

"You see, Kurt, I could asphyx haha cough hahhah", he giggles and coughs, "I could aspyx...cough hahahahahhaa".

He slumps against a wall, his eyes going glassy.

"What'd I ever do to you?".

"Nothing", says Kurt, "Eets's vhat you did to her".

"Her who?", asks Pyro

Kurt glares at him

"Oh, her", says Pyro, then suddenly flumps down, the balloony thingies stopping moving, his eyes open, his mouth in a grin).

Vhat a vay to go", muses Kurt, "...err...shouldn't ve get medical assistance..now?".

"Okay, okay, cut", says Warren, "Forge, get that damn thing off him before he dies and Todd Fan has our heads".

* * *

We will cut here while my mutants try to keep Pyro alive...I really don't want him dead, if he dies someone will hang!...and I hang my director!

"For the love of God St.John, breathe!", screams Warren.

Okay, do review. Until next time...


	10. Dirty deeds and a duet

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "It's high quality H2O."

ACT 10 - Dirty deeds and a duet

&&&&

We go to Skid Row much later on at night. We hear a steady thunk thunk thunk as Kurt pulls a suspiciously Pyro-shaped bag down a set of stairs. He pauses to look for anyone and the bag slides down with a thunk thunk thunk thunk thunk. The head of the bag hits the pavement below and a piece of dental equipment pops out.

"Oooops, sorry", whispers Kurt.

He drags the Pyro-shaped bag along, thunking it's head on the sidewalk

"Owww!", says the Pyro-Shaped-Bag.

"Shut up", snaps Warren, "you're supposed to be DEAD!".

Kurt drags the Pyro-shaped bag into the shop and Mystique smiles at it

"Mmmmmm", she says, "Chop it up!".

"Vas!", squeaks Kurt.

"FEED ME!", screams Mystique.

"Okay, okay", mutters Kurt, "...you bloodthirsty thing you".

Kurt drags the Pyro-shaped bag into the next alley, not realising that Todd is making his way to the shop. We see a shiloette of Kurt holding up Forge's hand, now some sort of axe, and aim for Pyro's leg.

"You SURE you're gonna miss it?", asks Pyro, mre than slightly worried.

"My timing is never off!", boasts Kurt.

"He'd better miss", says Forge, "I don't want Pyro guts on my arm!".

Kurt chops down, unseen to the camera that Pyro has rolled away and a Mastermind created illusion is in his place. Todd pauses, hearing the chopping and goes off down the alley to investigate.

"When will people learn NOT ta go inta the dark, scary alley where the strange noise is coming from?", he mutters to no one in particular.

He sees the shiloette of Kurt chopping 'Pyro' up and looks into the alley, his eyes go wide and he runs off

"Run away, run away!", he screams.

Inside the shop, we see a rather nasty looking brown stain that leads to a bin. We see 'Pyro's' leg sticking out on top. Kurt closes his eyes and starts shoving bits of 'Pyro' into Mystique's mouth, as she laughs evily. We cut to a little later, where Kurt is curled up next to his bed, having not slept a wink.

"I hacked up Pyro and fed him to my mother", says Kurt, "...YOU try sleeping!".

He suddenly gets up and glances out of his window to see Lucid and Caliban talking to Amanda. He gets over there in time to see them drive off, Amanda watching them go.

"Amanda, vhat'd they say to you?", he asks, then gives a nervous laugh, "...acting natural, like I don't know anything...tra la la".

"Who?", asks Amanda a little dazed.

"Ze police", points out Kurt, "...ze two guys zat vere just here...".

"Oh, nothing", says Amanda.

"Ja..right", says Kurt, then sighs, "of course I know better. I'm a sick, sick, sicko!".

"Kurt, you're getting emotionally involved...", points out Warren.

"I hacked up one of my co stars so my MOTHER could eat him!", screams Kurt, "I think that I am allowed to be 'emotionally involved'!".

"Please...just read the script", sighs Warren.

"Amanda, talk to me", says Kurt gently, "Tell me vhat zey said".

"It's St. John", says Amanda, "they say he's disappeared!".

"La la la", sings Kurt, "The police, they told you that?"

"They suspect foul play", says Amanda.

"...They do?", gulps Kurt.

"His receptionist, this morning, she found the place a shambles. Gas masks everywhere. Things all over the floor. They think", Amanda gives a squeak, "...I can't even think about what they think".

She gives a whimper and runs down the alley, going into an open bit of a wrecked building. Kurt bamfs after her

"Amanda? Don't cry, Amanda", he says, "Vould eet be so terrible if something had happened to him?".

Amanda looks at Kurt as if he has grown horns and walks away

"Kurt, what a thing to say!".

"Vell, vould eet?", he asks.

Amanda stares at the wall for a second, before sighing

"It wouldn't be terrible at all. It'd be a miracle", she says, "Not to mention all the money I'd save on Epsom salts and ACE bandages...now I'm a sick, sick, sicko!".

"Please, Todd Fan has already told me I'm skating on thin ice", says Warren, "I don't want her to feed me to that growling, snarling thing she calls her 'rage'".

"You see?", smiles Kurt.

"But I still feel guilty", sighs Amanda, "I mean, if he met with foul play or some terrible acident of some kind...then it'd be partly my fault just because...secretly I wished it".

"You ARE a sick, sick sicko!", says Kurt, backing away.

"Oh look", shouts Warren, holding up an ahndfull of feathers, "you're MAKING ME MOULT!".

"Amanda, don't you vaste another minute thinking about that creep!", says Kurt, "There's alot of guys that'd give anything to go out vith you. Nice guys".

"I don't deserve a nice guy, Kurt", sniffs Amanda, walking away.

"That's not true!", protests Kurt.

"You don't know the half of it! I've led a terrible life", says Amanda, "I deserve a creep like St John Allerdyce, D.D.S"

"Hey!", says Pyro, then sniffles, "I bought you chocolates"

"You know where I met him?", asks Amanda, "In the Gutter!".

"Okay", says Kurt, blinking, "...the gutter?".

"The Gutter", says Amanda, "it's a nightspot".

"Bet they do good buisness, vith a name like that", says Kurt dryly.

"Look, look at all the feathers that are coming off me", shouts Warren, tossing them into the air, "from the stress of you two!".

"I worked there my nights off when we weren't making much money", says Amanda, "I'd put on..cheap and tastless outfits, not nice ones like this".

"Have you SEEN that outfit!", shouts Pietro from backstage, "somebodys call the FASHION POLICE!"

"...And you wonder why people think you're gay", retorts Wanda.

"Low and nasty apparel", says Amanda, ignoring the siblings.

"...Mmmmmmm...", says Kurt dreamily, then coughs, "...oh...sorry. Amanda, that's all behind you now. You got nothing to be ashamed of. You're a very nice person, I alvays knew you vere.Underneath ze bruises and ze handcuffs, you know vhat I saw? A girl I respected. I still do".

**Lift up your head**

**  
Vash off your mascara**

**  
Here, take my Kleenex**

**  
Vipe that lipstick avay**

He smiles, handing her a kleenex.

**Show me your face **

**  
Clean as the morning**

**  
I know things were bad**

**  
But now they're okay**

**Suddenly Kurty**

**  
Is standing beside you**

**  
You don't need no makeup**

**  
Don't have to pretend**

**  
Suddenly Kurty**

**  
Is here to provide you**

**  
Sveet understanding**

**  
Kurty's your friend**

"Oh goodie, more singing", says Amanda.

_**Nobody ever **_

_**  
Treated me kindly**_

_**  
Daddy left early**_

_**  
Mama was poor**_

_**  
I'd meet a man and **_

_**  
I'd follow him blindly**_

_**  
He'd snap his fingers **_

_**  
Me, I'd say "sure"**_

Suddenly, Kurt bamfs behind her as Amanda continues to sing.

_**Suddenly Kurty**_

_**  
Is standin' beside me**_

_**  
He don't give me orders**_

_**  
He don't condescend**_

_**  
Suddenly Kurty**_

_**  
Is here to provide me**_

_**  
Sweet understanding**_

_**  
Kurty's my friend**_

They turn to face each other and start to walk towards each other.

"See, this is nice, this is good, solid acting", sighs Warren as he tries to glue his feathers back on. Kurt rolls his eyes, then goes back to singing.

**Tell me this feeling lasts till forever**

**  
Tell me the bad times are clean vashed avay**

He goes to reach out for her, but she backs away, going up some stairs

_**Please understand that it's still **_

_**  
Strange and frightnin'**_

_**  
For losers like I've been **_

_**  
It's so hard to say**_

They end up with Kurt still on the ground and Amanda on the top of the stairs in a very Romeo-and-Juliet-esque way.

_**Suddenly Kurty**_

**Suddenly Kurty**, sings Kurt.

_**He purified me **_

**He purified you **

We suddenly see Wanda, Tabby and Rogue on a balcony at the very far back, singing 'suddenly Kurty'.

_**Suddenly Kurty showed me I can **_

**Yes, you can**

He Bamfs up to the top os the balcony with her as they sing in unison.

**Learn how to be more**

**  
The girl that's inside me/you**

**Vith sveet understanding, **sings Kurt

_**With sweet understanding**_

**Vith sveet understanding**

_**With sweet understanding**_

"Oh God, they're stuck in a loop", moans Warren.

The two ignore in singing in unison again.

**With sweet understanding**

**Kurty's your/my man**

They fall into each other's arms and kiss in front of a lovely sunset background. We cut to where Amanda goes into her home, leaving Kurt to happily walk home, we see Mystique open up the door with a vine to let him in

"Awwwwww my little boy is all grown up", sniffs Mystique, then frowns, "I want to meet her parents".

"And we're done", says Warren, then looks at his wings, "I look like I've been dragged through a lawnmower"

"I'm still alive!", sings Pyro happily.

&&&

Yes, Pyro is still alive, though his time on the fic is done Okay, do review. Until next time...


	11. The body count rises

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "This is the part of the film we like to call, 'he had to ask'"

&&&&

ACT 11 - The body-count rises

&&&

Kurt walks down after his time with Amanda into his small room, where he sits on the bed and stares at the ceiling happily, suddenly, from out of the shadows comes Todd.

"Ya love her madly", he says darkly, "dont'cha, Schmuck?".

"Aghhh! Geeez you vant to give a guy a heart attack?", squeaks Kurt, clutching his chest, "...Mr Tolensky, you scared me".

"I scared him? After what I've seen, I scared him!", says Todd, talking to no one again, "Oooohh. Do you think I didn't know, huh?. OH I knew".

Kurt blinks a bit confusedly.

"Toad...vhat are you talking about?", he asks, "have you been eating butterflies again?"

"I knew ya lay down here on ya pathetic little cot and dreamed about her", says Todd, "But I didn't know the lengths to which you'd go, the depths to which you'd sink!".

"Someone's vorking for an oscar", mutters Kurt, "Vhat depths? Vhat sink? Vhat are you talking about?".

"Little red dots all over the linoleum", says Todd, "...little red spots of the concrete outside".

Suddenly, we can hear a piano playing

"Where's that music coming from?", asks Todd, looking around.

"I don't know", shrugs Kurt, "eet appears from time to time...".

"I'm talking BLOOD, Wager", shouts Todd, "I'm talking under my own roof! An axe murderer!".

He holds up Forge's axe-arm for emphasis. We hear Mystique singing from upstairs

**He's got your number now**

"I saw everything!", says Todd as Mystique continues to sing.

**He knows just what you've done**

"Everythin' ya did ta her boyfriend".

**You've got no place to hide**

"I saw ya chopin' him", whimpers Todd, making choping motions.

**You've got nowhere to run**

"Eets true. I chopped him up", says Kurt, "but I didn't kill him!".

**He knows your life of crime**

Suddenly, Todd pulls out a gun

"Can I say I don't know how ta work this thing?", asks Todd, "Tell it to the police".

**I think it's suppertime!**

We see Todd pushing Kurt up the stairs slowly, heading back towards the shop as Mystique sings.

**Come on, come on**

**  
Think about all those offers**

**  
Come on, come on**

**  
Your future with Amanda**

**  
Come on, come on**

**  
Ain't no time to turn squeamish**

**  
C-c-c-c-come on**

**I swear on all my spores**

**  
When he's gone the world will be yours, yours **

As Kurt and Todd enter the shop, Mystique quickly rights herself, so she looks like a harmless plant, we can hear the girls singing in the background, they eventually come out of a dark alley across the street, wearing glitterly, dark purple outfits

"Ah am sooo keeping this!", says Rogue.

"Ditto", says Wanda.

"We'll sneak them out after shooting", says Tabby.

The trio sings the same lyrics over and over as Todd and Kurt talk...which is rather rude.

_**Come on, come on**_

_**Come on, come on**_

_**  
Come on, come on**_

_**It's suppertime**_

_**It's suppertime**_

As Kurt reaches to open the door, Todd stops him

"You know, Wagner, it kills me doing this. But, considerin' ya almost a son ta me", Todd grimaces, "...eww..that's wrong. I'm thinkin', maybe we don't have ta go ta the police".

"Ve don't?", asks Kurt.

"Nope. I'm thinkin', what if I kept my mouth shut, an' gave ya a one-way ticket outta town?", grins Todd.

"You'd do that, sir?", asks Kurt wide eyed.

"Yeah, ya could law low fer a while. say, thirty, fourty years", Todd smirks, "Meanwhile, I would keep the plant".

"Ze plant?".

"Of course ya'd have ta teach me how ta take care'a it while ya away", says Todd, "Give me, ya secret gardening tips. ..But then, is ya'd rather hang...oh please say you'd rather do that..".

We see the shadows of the girls against the window, then see Mystique lower her head and start to open her mouth

"What do I have ta do?", asks Todd

"..Just feed it", says Kurt honestly.

"Just feed it what?", asks Todd.

"...This is the point at which we look at the disclaimer wuote and have a giggle", says Warren.

The girls appear in the shop, still singing the same verse over and over again, amost egging Kurt and Mystique on, as Kurt slowly backs Todd up to Mystique.

"Oh..minerals", says Kurt.

"Yeah, what else?".

"Thursdays, you should give it vater", Kurt adds

"Oh yes", says Todd with a nod.

"But vhatever you do...", says Kurt.

"Yeah?"

"Vhatever you do..."

"Yeah?", asks Todd, "quit repeatin' lines!"

He pauses, feeling something on his back, he turns to see Mystique's open mouth.

"What the hell is...", starts Todd.

"Sir...", starts Kurt.

Mystique suddenly snaps her jaw shut on Todd and gulps him down

**_Suppertime_**, sing the trio.

The girls fade back into the alle

"Okay and cut!", shouts Warren.

Mystique spits out a gunked up Todd and morphs into herself, running into the bathroom and brushing her tounge with a toothbrush

"Yuck yuck yuck yuck yuck!", she shouts.

"Well, we Toads are supposed ta taste bad", points out Todd, brushing slime off his shoulders, "so things DON'T eat us".

"I'm going to have a bad taste in my mouth for months!", whines Mystique.

"You weren't the one that was just half-eaten!", snaps Todd.

&&&&&&

Click on, on for more insanity and bloodlust!


	12. The steps to sucess

Lttle Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Ooops, somebody left the water running"

&&&&&

Right, this act always confused me, when I got the lyrics, AND the sountrack, there were extra words that didn't appear in my DVD movie, so yeah, I'm not cutting corners if the DVD cut the movie, so I appologise, I'll just work from my movie...yup...

&&&

ACT 12 - The steps to sucess

&&&&

We see Kurt in a small office, in which Caliban enters, dressed in a buisness suit

"I would like to sssay I feel sstupid in thisss sssuit", mutters Caliban.

"Just sing, ya great big phantom of the opera loving freak!", snaps Warren.

"Fiiiiine", hisses Caliban, then begins to sing.

**Kurt Wagner**

**Sssso finally we meet you**

**  
This is an occasssion**

**Let'sss toasssst it, up yoursss**

**  
Relax**

We see that Bobby and Ray are also in the room...also dressed in suits

**Canape?**, asks Bobby

**Cigarette?**, asks Ray

Caliban grins shoving a pile of papers Kurt way as he sings.

**Let'ssss talk turkey**

**Sssssign here**

**And we'll book you on lecturing tourssss.**

Kurt suddenly finds himself in a resteruant with Roberto and Kitty. Kitty pats his shoulders as she sings.

**Yes darling.**

**We're sending photographers Thursday**

**So get the plant ready**

**And wear a clean shirt**

**Just sign this release**

**Need a pen?**, asks Roberto, handing him a pen with an odd smile on his face.

"...Do I know vhere that's been?", asks Kurt with a grimace.

Kitty ignores him, continuing with her song.

**Aren't you thrilled it's the cover of life magazine!**

**Desert?**, asks Roberto, handing Kurt some icecream.

"Seriously", says Kurt, "vhere is it comming from?"

Kurt once again find himself somewhere else, this time in a room with Sam, Evan and Nick

"Getting...dizzy", whimpers Kurt.

**I'm telling you son, it's a cinch to get ratings**, sings Evan

Sam and Nick point to a picture stating a show for 'Kurt Wagner's Gardening Tips'

**The title is Evan's**, sings Sam

**The concept is mine**, sings Nick proudly.

**The first weekly gardening show on a network**, sings Evan

Sam grins in the creepy way everyone in this act seem to do.

**And you're gonna host it**

**You lucky kid**

**Sign!**, they sing in unison.

They bustle him out of the office, where secretaries are typing away, Tabby, Wanda and Rogue being three of them, complete with outfits

_**They say the meek shall inherit**_

_**You know the book doesn't lie**_

_**  
It's not a question of merit**_

_**It's not demand and supply**_

As the girls keep singing, we see Kurt trapped in a limo while Kitty, Roberto and Evan chatter to him

_**They say the meek gonna get it**_

We see the classic 'spinning newspapers' all showing stories of Kurt and Amanda II

"What can I say?", grins Warren, "I'm nostaligic".

All of the buisness people with their creepy smiles sing again.

**You know the meek are gonna get**

**What's comin' to 'em**

**You know the meek are gonna get**

**What's comin' to 'em**

**You know the meek are gonna get**

**What's comin' to 'em**

**By and by**

Kurt bamfs out of a crowd of people into the flower shop, where Lance is waiting with a bunch of journalists

"At least you get to see my face this time", mutters Lance.

Kurt looks at Amanda II, who is so big, it reaches the ceiling

"Oh, my God", gasps Kurt.

"And here he is himself, Mr Kurt Wagner!", says Lance.

Kurt winces as a load of lights are shone on him and Amanda claps happily

"Mr Wagner, there are so many questions that the people in our televison audience have for you", says Lance, "Come over here and tell our viewers at home and elsewhere about this particularly amazing agricultural phnomenon...God's that was a mouthfull. A phenomenon I might add that's made you one of the most talked about plant scientists in the country".

Suddenly, Amanda II drops to the ground with a thud

"Cut!", shouts Lance.

"Hey! That's my jo", starst Warren, then pauses, "...oh wait..that's your line..err..sorry...carry on".

"What the hell's going on?", snaps Lance, "What happened to the Goddamned greenery?".

"Eet just needs to be fed", says Kurt sadly.

"So feed it!", says Lance, gesturing to Amanda II

"I can't feed eet", mutters Kurt, "Not now".

"Then I'll feed it", says Lance, ramaging around the shop, "Where do you keep the plant food?".

"Eet doesn't eat plant food. And I can't feed eet now. Vhy don't you leave me alone? All of you. Just go avay! Leave me alone! Get out of here!", snpas Kurt, then goes into mad-scary-Kurt-mode, "Go avay! Leave me alone! Everbody go avay!".

Amanda walks over to him and gently taps him on the face

"She slapped me!", squeaked Kurt.

"Kurt, you're hysterical", points out Amanda, then grins, "I always wanted to do that"

"I know, I'm sorry", says Kurt.

He suddenly bamfs out of the shop and into an alley on his own

"Vas am Ii gonna do? I never should've started, but I did", he talks to himself, "Now, if I don't feed eet, eet'll die. I'll lose her, I'll lose everything!".

"Kurt?", asks Amanda as she walks into the alley, "Who're you talking to?".

"Nobody", sighs Kurt.

"First sign of madness...", mumbles Amanda

"Watch it", says Warren, "Todd Fan talks to herself on a regular basis".

"That's perfectly healthy and fun", says Amanda quickly, "I love you Todd Fan..heh heh..still your main actress".

"Brown noser", mutters Warren.

"You're acting funny", says Amanda, "It wasn't nice throwing those people out. Those men said that Kurt Wagner's Gardening Tips is sure to be a very big TV show".

"I know. I'm sorry", says Kurt, "I feel terrible".

"Well, you shouldn't", says Amanda, "They're coming back tomorrow and they'll bring you a great big cheque".

"They are?", asks Kurt sadly.

"I wish you were enjoying your sucess", sighs Amanda.

"You said they're coming back vith money?", asks Kurt.

"Tomorrow", nods Amanda

"Ve could afford to get out of here, couldn't ve?", asks Kurt, perking up.

"...getting worried.", says Amanda, "What do you mean?".

"That's eet", smiles Kurt, "After tomorrow, ve could leave here together!".

"Together?", asks Amanda.

"If you'll have me", says Kurt, "Amanda, vill you have me?".

"Kurt...what do you mean?".

"Marry me, Amanda".

There is a sudden crash from backstage and Mr Sefton comes marching through.

"OH NO YOU DON'T!", he screams.

"Daddy!", snaps Amanda, "You are runining a magical moment!".

"My daughter is NOT marrying that blue fuzzball!", snaps Mr Sefton.

"But it's in the script", protests Warren.

"Shut up, cherub", says Mr Sefton.

"Ooooohhh, you did NOT just call me that!", growls Warren.

Warren clicks his fingers and Forge zaps a machine at Mr Sefton, freezing him in place

"...Daddy?", squeaks Amanda, tapping her father.

"Dont' worry, it'll wear off soon", smiles Forge.

"Carry on!", shouts Warren.

"Oh, Kurt, this is so sudden", says Amanda.

"Vill you?", asks Kurt.

"Sure", says Amanda with a shy smile.

Backstage, we hear Remy start to cry...again

"What IS it with that man and love stories?", says Warren, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Remy can't help it dat he is in touch with his own feelings!", sobs Remy.

"Ahem!", says Kurt, "That that's eet! Ve'll go get married, right now!".

"Kurt!", squeaks Amanda.

"And tomorrow i'll be on TV, get ze money, and then ve'll live happily ever after", says Kurt with a smile, "Oh, Amanda, I'll give you a vonderfull life, vith no plants, I promise. No plants at all!".

"...You're talking peculiar again, Kurt", says Amanda, blinking.

"Ve'll start tonight", says Kurt, "Ve'll go to City Hall, get married and spend ze night somevhere safe. Some nice hotel".

"Oh, I've got to get ready!", giggles Amanda, running off.

"Hurry, hurry!", says Kurt, watching ehr go with a sigh.

"And we are done!", says Warren, then frowns, "oh God, will someone shut up at Cajun before I hit him?".

"Err...you guys better run", says Forge, "...Mr Seftons thawing out...".

&&&&&

Well, that was fun, wasn't it? Next up, we learn exactly WHAT Amanda II had in mind. Do review, until next time...


	13. A plant plot revealed

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "It's plot exposition. It has to go somewhere".

&&&&

Are you ready for the last 2 acts? I bet you are!

ACT 13 - A plant plot revealed.

&&&&

We go to a little later, where Mystique is 'sleeping' in the shop. We see Kurt step around a door, carrying two suitcases. He bamfs to the door and is about to leave.

"Feed me", says Mystique

"Damn, she heard me", mutters Kurt, then glares at Mystique, "...Under no cicumstances".

"Feed me!", says Mystique again

"I vill not, so stop asking", says Kurt.

"Fine, let your mother starve!", she snaps, "Feed me!".

"Nein, no more!", says Kurt, "I can't take living vith ze guilt".

"Tough titty", growls Mystique.

"Mother!", squeaks Kurt, "You vatch your language".

Mystique raises herself to her full height

"Awww cut the crap", she snaps, "Bring on the meat!".

"Okay, okay. I'll bring you meat", says Kurt, "I'll run down ze corener and pick you up some nice ground round. How about zat?".

"Don't do me no favours!", mutters Mystique.

"Look", says Kurt, "Eet's my last offer, yes or no?".

"You sure do drive a hard bargin", smirks Mystique.

"Done. Fine. Great", says Kurt, "Don't think you're getting desert!".

"Jerk", mutters Mystique.

With that he bamfs out of the shop. Mystique sighs for a second, before noticing a payphone in the corner of the shop. She grins and uses her vines to pull herself along towards it. She reaches a vine in and gets a coin out of the cash register, before putting it in the phone and dialing.

"The number you have dailed is not...", starts Jubilee.

"Stop trying to ruin MY show!", shouts Warren.

"I was just having a bit of fun...", starts Jubilee.

"No!", shouts Warren.

Mystique drums her stems idly on the wall as she waits, we suddenly hear the rift from 'suppertime' start up. We cut to Amanda's appartment where she is packing things in her suitcase. She hears the phone and picks it up.

"Hello", she says cheerfully as Mystique sings donw the phone.

**Hey, little lady, hello**

"Who...who is this?", asks Amanda.

**You're looking cute as can be**

"Is it someone I know?", Amanda narrows her eyes, "...I'll hang up on you!".

**You're looking mighty sweet**

"Kurt!", giggles Amanda

"No, it 'aint Kurt, it's me!", grins Mystique.

Amanda suddenly looks across the street to see Mystique holding the phone to her ear and laughing

"Oh, my God!", she screams.

She drops the phone. We cut to the shop, where Mystique puts the phone down, then checks it for loose change as Amanda suddenly bursts into the shop.

"I don't believe it", says Amanda.

"Believe it, baby", says Mystique, "It talks".

"Am I dreaming this?", asks Amanda.

"No", says Mystique, "And you 'aint in Kansas neither!".

"I wasn't going to ask...", starts Amanda.

Mystique slams the door of the shop shut with a vine

"Something's very wrong here", says Amanda, then rolls her eyes, "...no, you don't say! A talking plant...".

"I need me some water in the worst way", says Mystique, "Look at my branches. I'm drying up, I'm a gonner, honey!".

**Come on and give me a drink**

"I..I don't know if I should", murmers Amanda.

**Hey little lady be nice**, sings Mystique

"Do you talk to Kurt like this?", asks Amanda.

**Sure do, I'll drink it straight**, sings Mystique.

"You're leaves are dry, poor thing", says Amanda as Mystique puts a vine on her shoulder.

**Don't need no glass or no ice**

"I'll get the can", says Amanda.

**Don't need no twist of lime**, sings Mystique.

Amanda grabs a little watering can and smiles

"Here we go", she says cheerfully.

**And now it's SUPPERTIME!**, laughs Mystique evily, grabbing Amanda with her vines.

"Oh, relax, doll. It'll be easy", grins Mystique.

We hear the classic riff from physco and have a close up on Mystique's open mouth, and then Amanda's screaming face

"Oh Gods, talk about cliches", says Amanda.

As Kurt bamfs into the shop, he sees Amanda's legs sticking out of Mystique's mouth.

"Get off of her! Get off!", shouts Kurt, "My God, my mother is eating my girlfriend!".

He pulls Amanda out and bamfs into an alleyway

"Are you okay?", asks Kurt.

"Yes", says Amanda, then reconsiders, "...no".

Amanda drops to the floor

"Todd Fan would like to point out an interesting tidbit here", says Warren, "In the first cut of the film, this is where Audrey...err Amanda dies, the film resulting in both of the hero's dying and the plants taking over the world.. The audiences didn't like it so it was changed right here...yeah, they really wanted to know that TF!".

"Amanda? Amanda?", squeaks Kurt, before helping her to her feet.

"Yes...I'm okay", says Amanda woozily.

"I'm sorry, Amanda. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to hurt anybody", stammers Kurt, "It's just that somehow, it makes things happen. Terrible things. I guess I should've stopped when I found out vhat eet lived on. But eet vas so cute and harmless, and ve started doing buisness, and making money, and you liked me...".

"Kurt. Did you really think I liked you because of that?", she asks, "I liked you from the day I came to work here".

"You mean, you'd still like me even if I vasn't famous?", asks Kurt.

"I'd still love you, Kurt", says Amanda.

"Really?".

"All I ever wanted was you, and a sweet little house", she smiles.

We hear Remy crying in the background

"For God's sake, someone get that guy a keelnex!", snaps Warren, "...or some anti-depresants".

"Oh Amanda, you're ze most vonderfull person zat ever lived", says Kurt, "Ve're gonna get zat little house and everything vill be okay somehow, you'll see".

**Suddenly Kurty**

**Is standing beside you**

Amanda smiles, joining in with the song.

_**Suddenly Kurty**_

_**Showed me I can**_

**Yes you can**, sings Kurt.

"Excuse me", says Hank, suddenly walking into the alley, dressed in a buisness suit, "Excuse me, padron me, beg your pardon. If you two kids would just stop singing for a moment, I've got something i want to discuss with you. Now which one of you is Kurt Wagner".

"You want a black eye?", growls Amanda, "Do I LOOK like a 'Kurt'!".

"...I am", says Kurt.

"Oh it's a pleasure", smiles Hank, "Boy has your phone been busy! I've been trying to reach you for weeks!".

He shakes Kurt hand with a toothy grin

"Henry McCoy, licensing and marketing World Botanical Enterprises", he says, "Son, kid, boy, are we gonna make a fortune together".

"He's not interested", says Amanda.

"He will be. You see, me and the guys at the home office have been following this plant of yours, and we've come up with one incredible idea", says Hank, "We're very proud of it. Picture this. We take leaf cuttings, develop little Amanda II's and sell them to florist shops across the nation! Why, pretty soon, every household in America could have one!".

Kurt blinks, realisation crossing his face

"Every household in America!", he mutters.

"For starters, kid, why, this thing could go WORLDWIDE!", grins Hank

"Worldwide!", shouts Kurt and Amanda in unison.

"Think of it, boy. Amanda II's, everywhere!", grins Hank, "Why, with the right advertising, this thing could be bigger than Hula-Hoops".

"Bigger than Hula-Hoops?", asks Amanda, arching a brow.

"Todd Fan does not own Hula-Hoops in any way, shape or form", says Warren, "but she doesn't own this movie either...so call her a crinimal".

"What do you say, Kurt?", asks Hank, "Do we have a deal?".

Hank pulls out a contract and hands Kurt a pen, Kurt stares at it for a second

"Nein! Keep your contract!", he snarls, "Nobody's touching zat plant, y'hear?".

"Hey, we're offering alot of money here", points out Hank.

"Forget ze money, keep eet and get out of here!", shouts Kurt, "Go on!".

"What are you, nuts!", asks Hank.

"Yeah, i'm nuts", growls Kurt, chasing Hank away.

"I can growl alot better than you can!", says Hank, "I'll come back where you're in a better mood".

"GET OUT!", shouts Kurt.

Kurt sees him off and turns to Amanda

"Amanda, are you thinking vhat I'm thinking?", he asks.

"I think so", says Amanda, "but where will we find a polka dancing gerbil at this time of night? Narf"

**They're Kurty, They're Kurty and Aman..Aman..Amanda**, sing the trio.

"It'll keep eating and eating until there's nothing left", says Kurt, ignoring the trio.

"We've got to stop it, Kurt, we've got to!", says Amanda.

"Nein. I've got to", says Kurt, "I have to end this once and for all. I'll bust zat pod vide open".

"Wait!. I'm coming with you!", says Amanda.

"Nein. It's me that got us into this. I'm ze one to get us out", says Kurt, "Vait for me, Amanda. This ees between me and ze vegetable".

Amanda watches as Kurt bamfs into the shop.

"Aaaand cut", says Warren, "Oh my God, i'm nearly free! Just one more act then i can go home, put my feet up, have my wings massaged...no more directing. Never, ever again!"

&&&&&

Click on for the final act!


	14. An explosive end

Little Shop of Mutants

By Todd Fan

Disclaimer: "Sucks to be you".

&&&&

ACT 14 - An explosive end

&&&&

We see Kurt bamf into the shop, where Mystique is waiting.

"Every household in America", growls Kurt, "Thousands of you, eating! That's vhat you had in mind all along, isn't eet?".

"No shit, Sherlock", says Mystique.

"Again vith ze language!", says Kurt, "Ve're not talking about one hungry plant here. Ve're talking about vorld conquest!".

"And I want to thaaaaank you!", grins Mystique.

"You're not going to get avay vith this!", says Kurt, "You're kind never does! I don't care vhat eet takes. Only one of us gets out of here alive!".

"Tough talk, little man!", says Mystique as she begins to sing.

**Better wait a minute**

**Ya better hold the phone**

**  
Better mind your manners**

**Better change your tone**

**  
Don't you threaten me, son**

"You called me son", sighs Kurt happily.

"SONG LYRICS!", shouts Warren as Mystique continues to sing.

**Ya gotta lot of gall**

**  
We gonna do things my way**

**Or we won't do things at all**

She starts to burst out of her plant pot, covering Kurt with dirt

"You're in trouble now!", she laughs evily.

**Ya don't know what you're messin' with**

**  
You got no idea**

**  
You don't know what you're lookin' at **

**  
When you're lookin' here**

**  
Ya don't know what you're up against**

**  
No, no way, no how**

**  
You don't know what you're messin' with**

**  
But I'm gonna tell you now!**

Kurt gets the gun from the drawer and aims it at Mystique. He blinks when he sees some Jamie clones, dressed as plant pods, singing with Mystique

"This is worse than the tea-cup", say the Jamies in unison, before singing.

_**Ahhhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhh**_

Mystique growls as she sings.

**Get this straight!**

**  
I'm just a mean blue mother from outer space and I'm bad**

**_Mean, blue, bad_**, sing the Jamies

"Outer space?", asks Kurt as Mystique continues to sing.

**I'm just a mean blue mother from outer space **

**  
And it looks like you been had**

**  
I'm just a mean blue mother from outer space**

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhh**_

**So get off my back 'n get out my face**

**'Cause I'm mean and blue and I am bad**

Kurt shuts his eyes and points his gun at Mystique. Mystique laughs and whips it out of his hands with a vine, twirling it around like a cow...errr..plant. She starts to take pot-shots at him, making him duck behind the counter as she sings.

**Wanna save your skin, boy? **

**  
You wanna save your hide?**

**  
You wanna see tomorrow? **

**  
You better step aside**

**  
Better take a tip, boy**

**  
Want some good advice?**

**  
You better take it easy**

**  
'Cause you're walkin' on thin ice**

As Kurt bamfs into the office, Mystique tosses the cash register after him

**Ya don't know what you're dealin' with**

**  
No, you never did**

**  
Ya don't know what you're lookin' at**

**  
But that's tough titty, kid!**

**  
The lion don't sleep tonight**

**  
And if you pull his tail, he roars**

Kurt bamfs from the office, weilding Forge's axe-arm, and starts to try to chop Mystique's vines, missing every time

"I thought my genes would make you a better shot", Mystique shakes her head, "..you'll never be a good assasin that way".

**Ya say, "That ain't fair?" Ya say, "That ain't nice?"**

**  
Ya know what I say? **

**  
"Up yours!"**

The Jamies bop as they sing.

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhh**_

As Kurt raises the axe-arm as Mystique pulls his trousers down, revealing his poka-dotted underwear

"Moooooooommmmm!", wines Kurt.

He takes refuge behind the counter again, only to have the Jamie pods turn up at either end

**Watch me now!**

**  
I'm just a mean blue mother from outer space and I'm bad**

_**Mean, blue, bad**_

**I'm just a mean blue mother, a real disgrace**

**  
And you've got me fightin' mad**

**  
I'm just a mean blue mother from outer space**

**  
Gonna trash your ass**

**  
Gonna rock this place**

"HEY!", shouts Lance, "that's MY line"

**'Cause I'm mean and blue and I am bad**

Mystique smashes up the counter while Kurt watches in terror

"This...isn't going as vell as I hoped", he admits as Mystique sings.

**You know I don't come from no black lagoon**

_**Hah!**_

**I'm from past the stars and beyond the moon**

_**Yeah**_

**You can keep The Thing**

_**Hey!**_

**Keep The It**

_**Whoah**_

**Keep The Creature, they don't mean shit**

Kurt weilds and empty can of weed-killer, then drops it

"Yeah...that'll vork", he mutters, "Alright that does eet! Screw ze vorld, I'm saving me!".

He runs to the door, only to be pinned to the wall by Mystique's vines

**I've got a killer voice**

**A power stem**

**Nasty thorns and i'm using them**

**You better move it out**

**Nature calls**

**  
You got the point?**

**I'm gonna bust your balls**

One vine very very narrowly misses a rather...sensitive part of Kurt anatomy

"Be more carefull vill you?", he squeaks, "Or no grandchildren!".

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhh**_

_**Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh**_

Kurt makes a run for Forge's axe-arm again, while Mystique tears the place apart

**I'm mean and blue**

_**Mean blue mother from outer space**_

**I'm mean and blue **

_**Mean blue mother from outer space**_

**I'm mean and blue  
**

**And I. Am. Bad!**

She gives a manical laugh as pulls down one of the ceiling support beams

"Bye bye Kurty!", she laughs.

The ceiling collapses on the elf boy, leaving the whole place a pile of rubble. A live wire falls from the ceiling on top of the pile. While Mystique has a physcotic laughing fit that would put Pyro to shame, Kurt hand reaches out and grabs the wire, hitting one of her vines with it. She and the Jamie's burst with electicity

"Oh, shit!", says Mystique.

Mystique and the Jamie's, by a wonderfull illusion thrown by Jason at the last minute, explode, making the rest of the shop fall down.

"Messy, messy, messy", mutters Jason

After the dust settles, Amanda goes to try to find Kurt, finding nothing for a long time, until Kurt stumbles out from behind a pillar.They run into each others arms and spin around, and we see the scene change to Amanda's dream house, they both in their wedding costumes. They run off into their house as Wanda, Rogue and Tabby walk past with bouquet's in bridesmaid dresses. We drop to the bottom of the garden where a single Jamie-Pod is sitting, he grins evily.

"Whoahahahhahahahahhahahhahaha!", laughs Jamie.

END

"It's done! The torture is over! I have served my time as a director!", says Warren, "Free, free as a bird! Hhaahahahhaahahahaha!"

"Actually, Varren, ve have some extra footage...", says Kurt

"No, not that!", squeaks Warren, "NOT THAT!".

Kurt shows footage of Warren giving Pyro mouth-to-mouth at the end of the death of a dentist scene

"BREATHE DAMN YOU! BREATHE!", he screams.

Pyro suddenly sits up and stares at Warren, backpeaddling away from him

"ASSULT!", shouts Pyro, "Help!".

"I just saved your worthless existance so Todd Fan wouldn't clip my wings", says Warren.

"Yeah, right", growls Pyro, "...I'll remember this day!".

&&&&&&&&&

There we go! I'm not sure which parody I'll do next, but I'm having a brak from re-writing them for a while, as I'll have exams next month, and probably a good few assignments on the weeks coming up to them. Do review. Thanks for reading


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